A Hymn of Snakes

TWENTY ONE

I was exhausted the next couple of weeks, since I was now apart of the Queen's royal family line- I was expected to act like it. A whole new wardrobe, a set of guards that follow me everywhere, and expectations that I don't know if I can handle. Leon followed me on foot as I marched up the church stairwell, I turned to look at him and cleared my throat. "Please lay low, take a seat or stand out here. I just need a moment alone." I told him, he bowed in respect that waited patiently right by the door. Of course milady, I expected him to say but after weeks of yelling at him for it... I think he's finally done with that.

Walking into the church sent my body on high alert, mostly because it reminded me of Italy and those who died because of me. I went straight into the confessional and put my knees into the pew. "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." I said as the priest stepped into the other side, his breathing gentle as I sealed my eyes shut. This was all I could do for those who've died before me. "I don't believe in God really, I probably should considering everything I can do. I don't even really know why I'm here right now if I'm going to be honest with you." I started, swallowing my pride down.

I was afraid of being judged, my entire childhood the Keepers and my father used religion and tradition against me. I just didn't want to fall back down the rabbit hole, "God forgives even the non believers." He told me and I simply nodded in agreement.

There was an outline of words to say that fell down to the top of my tongue, I had so much I wanted to say but not enough time. I waited before speaking once more, "This priest I used to know used to try to convince me to come to confession, he always said it would make me feel better." I thought about the Father then a shudder of cold drew up my arms, because no matter what I did- I couldn't protect him. "I thought he was full of crap, I still think he is. All I feel right now is stupid and guilty." I confessed.

The priest followed behind my words, "I can only hope God will take the weight of your sins."

I closed my eyes, sitting back on my heals as I tried to imagine a world where everything was different. There was a truth I have yet to conquer, something I find that is being used over my head. My nightmares fill my fear and my ghosts remind me of what I couldn't do, since there isn't a soul I can save. "I don't believe I deserve to live, after all I've done. I was a good kid and I would never take back everything I've been through because it's made me who I am." My voice cracked under the pressure, "Sometimes I feel as if people forget I'm a human, that I'm only twenty years old and was thrown into this world when I was sixteen. Six years of fear and just being lost." Tears swelled to the edges of my eyes as I tried to wipe it away, my heart burned with honesty. The truth was I didn't know if I was doing the right thing right now.

My voice continued to carry in the back of the church, my own form of hypocrisy following down my tongue. I've hurt people, unintentionally and with purpose. Sobbing as I started again, "People have died because of me and no matter what I tried to do, I couldn't save them. I deserve all the pain I go through, if this is God's punishment for whatever is happening then I will gladly take it." I let my words slip from me, dissolving into the darkness of the confessional.

That's when the Priest cracked a smile, cruel but yet so butterfly forgiving. "Do you think someone deserving of God's wrath would be in confession right now? Telling all their sins and their guilts to a man they don't know, crying because of things they cannot control?" He asked me, my voice sniffling as I tried to hold in my sobs. Ithe called me weak, crying in front of a man who devotes himself to someone who will drive me to damnation. Leon could probably hear me now and soon all of court would know that the Duchess of Night is nothing more than a child without her life.

"No Father." I forced myself to say.

He allowed me to calm down, his silence more comforting than his words. In Chicago, the only times I went to church was when my step mother wanted me to go and every time I was judged for my likeliness. Funny how those who don't even know me treat me better than my own family, "Sometimes one just needs a little forgiveness to move on." I was told, them he took a stiff breath and continued. "Even if you don't believe in God, I will forgive you. Maybe it will be easier for you to forgive yourself then." He motioned to me, moving the slider of the confessional to put his hand out for me. Comforting me as his hand petted my head.