That night, though, as I climbed into bed, I could not stop the fantasies returning to me. As my fingers began to tease along my slit, I could not help but imagine the heaven I had found again and again with her, with the taste of her, the sound of her ecstasy and the feel of her skin on my face and mouth while I savored her. I writhed under my hand, and reached my first climax quickly, gasping and shaking. I lay still, eyes closed, Lauren's beauty in my eyes and her moans in my ears.
Then I recalled the words I had read, and my anger returned. The memory of her soft, pleasured moans returned – but now the sounds were harsh, cynical, somehow soured. That delicious surrender in her body as she relaxed each time beneath my questing tongue turned into something else – something accompanied by a smug laugh, the sense of getting something that one wants, not a true desirous surrender.
I bit my lip, my anger increasing until I was nearly in tears – and I found my fingers moving again, this time fast and hard, almost grinding into my sensitive skin. The pleasure came in waves, harsh jolts up my spine and through my stomach, tightening it until it nearly burned. I grimaced, digging two fingers into myself. Instead of savoring the memories, I cursed at them now, glowering at the image of my boss that floated before my confused mind.
For a few brief moments, I hated her. Hated this confusion, this sick fear that was choking me.
"Damn you, Lauren!" I gasped, growling as I arched up off my bed with my second orgasm, this one hard and sharp, wrenching my spine and causing my legs to spasm so hard that they immediately began to cramp. I curled up immediately on my bed in a fetal position, the pain mingling with my still-fading pleasure.
Finally, I relaxed, the cramps dying out and my breathing returning to normal.
It was so frustrating – I wanted to be angry. I wanted to be furious, to storm into her office and quit – or even show her what I knew about the law. Maybe trap her in some kind of situation where I could sue her, make her pay for this pain I was feeling.
I wanted so badly just to give over to that fear and anger.
But I couldn't. I couldn't hate her. I know now, of course, why I couldn't hate her – some people can hate someone they're in love with, but I'm just not built that way. I didn't realize that at the time, though. The bizarre arrangement, the strange story of our relationship had walled my feelings off deep inside myself and hidden them under layers of fear, self-delusion – and an honest wish not to hurt Lauren, or make her life more complex or difficult than it needed to be.
At almost any other time in my life, I would have probably just quit my job and drained my savings account on therapy trying to figure out how I had botched things so badly. This time, though, I couldn't just walk away. I'd stick around long enough to find out what Lauren had meant. If she didn't want me around, then so be it. "Camila, could you come in here?"
I looked up, and for the first time, I didn't just get up and go in. "What's going on?" I called back.
There was a brief pause. "I need to prepare for my three o'clock."
I glanced at my clock. Barely two. "Now?" I asked.
"Now?" She sounded surprised. "Um, yes, now."
I bit my lip. I almost said no – I swear, I almost said it. I didn't, though, of course. I couldn't help myself. "Coming," I called back.
In her office, I closed the door, and looked at her, my heart twisting all over again at those beautiful cold green eyes staring across the desk at me, though they seemed surprised and concerned at the moment.
"Is something wrong, Camila?" Lauren asked.
I opened my mouth to shout at her – but, again, of course, I didn't. "No, nothing's wrong."
"Good," she said slowly, still looking concerned.
I knew there was still an hour before the meeting, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to pleasure her for that long the way I felt now...I'd break in two from sheer emotional trauma. I resolved to make it quick – to just get her off and be done with it. Some part of me tried to be clinical, calm, and indifferent. Do it fast, I told myself flatly. Get her to come and she'll leave you alone.
I stepped around her desk, and she turned to meet me. I saw the slight widening of her eyes, the little break in her lips, but my flat thoughts dismissed what I saw. Just lust, I thought. She needs it, no question – that doesn't mean she has any feelings for me. You're just a walking vibrator at this point, I told myself brutally.
I knelt down, slid up her skirt, pulled her panties down – just a bit roughly, I'll admit – and slid my mouth back against her again. She sighed, and I quivered, almost breaking just in that instant, my eyes filling with tears as my lips tasted her sweetness, that tanginess that I so loved, while that anger glittered deep in my mind and other feelings, complicated and frightening, bubbled just underneath, threatening to break free. I knew she wanted me to take my time, but now I didn't want what she wanted. I wanted to hurt her – but I couldn't hurt her. I wouldn't give her what she wanted, though. She'd get what she needed – to come – and that was all.
I ran my tongue firmly over her slit, feeling her twitch in response with a soft whimper, and my tongue softened for a split second, caressing her lips like the petals of a flower, easing them open and sliding within – but my pained heart wouldn't allow me to melt into her again. My tongue hardened, stabbing at her clit almost roughly, and she jerked with a startled gasp, her thighs almost gripping my head as she reacted to my firmness.
I grabbed her legs, my anger heating me, and I took that anger out on her pussy, on the soft, delicious flower that I had worshipped all those times before. I lashed it with my tongue, stabbing and darting my tongue here and there. By now, I knew every weakness in her. I knew where to flutter my tongue to make her jerk, where to stab it to make her gasp, and where to suck her in to drive her over the edge. I made her come brutally fast, with a strangled, startled little squeak, and let her twitch rapidly against my face, my eyes closed and my mouth hard on her soft flesh.
