Rule and Ruin

twenty-three; the stars as they were

chapter twenty-three.

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THE STARS WERE DANCING in celebration of her return.

On the roof, Selene gazed up at them, watching the brightness that had travelled through space and time to get to her.

They say you see the stars as they were. Giant exploding masses whose destruction no one would know about until it was too late. She wondered if they were seeing her as she was, too, and if they hated what they saw.

"Ah so this is where the Moon Goddess goes to hide," Nix said from behind her.

"Did you just refer to me as the Moon Goddess?" she scrunched her nose.

"Well, it's your name isn't it?"

Selene scoffed. "What do you want, Nicholas?"

He took a seat beside her and stretched his legs out, "As friendly as ever, I see."

She didn't reply and for once, he seemed to respect her silence.

They sat for a few moments, staring at the slow explosions in the sky. Selene closed her eyes, and for a brief second, as the night wind caressed her skin, she felt like she was floating. You don't realize how fresh the air is or how lonely the sky is until they are taken from you.

"We met once, you know?" he said suddenly. "Before all this."

"What?"

"You were ten, I think," he reminisced. "Dino had just recruited me."

She looked over and urged him to continue.

"I was waiting for Dino in the garden," he recalled. "You threw a rock at me. Don't you remember?"

She shook her head.

"Yeah well, you threw a rock at me and demanded, 'Who are you?'" he mimicked a high pitched voice. "And I responded, 'Who are you?' And you threw another rock at me and said, 'I'm Selene. I'm the princess of this castle.'"

"You're lying," Selene rolled her eyes.

"I'm not," he laughed. "I told you, 'Stop throwing rocks at me' and you stared at me for a second and threw another one, saying 'You can't tell me what to do.' I ignored you, which seemed to upset you, because you walked over, picked up the rocks, and said 'I'm sorry, but you are the most handsome boy I've ever seen.'"

"Now I know you're pulling this out of your ass."

"Maybe parts of it. But then you saw Dino behind me and ran away," he said. "He yelled at me for that and told me to never speak to you again."

Selene frowned, "Why?"

He shrugged, "He never wanted you to know me as the years passed, probably because of all the dirty tricks he used me for. You don't know half the things that man has done. Has made me do."

She looked away.

"But I knew you," he continued. "Of course I knew you. You were everywhere. All anyone wanted to talk about. His little girl. His prized beauty."

She cringed.

"You don't remember this, but we practically grew up together," he said quietly. "In the early years, I followed you secretly whenever I got lonely or when I missed Adelaide.  I wanted so badly to talk to you. To be your friend. You looked lonely, too."

"I was," she replied softly.

"But all I could do was hide in the shadows and watch you receive the love and attention that I would never get. I watched Dino shower you with gifts every birthday, watched you shake your head because nothing he got you was ever good enough. I watched you learn how to ride a bike, watched you fall again and again until you were bruised all over but still refusing to cry. I watched your secret teenage love with that stupid guard trainee and then watched you cry your eyes out when Dino found out and got rid of him. We grew up and you never knew about me. And then I watched you become Dino's right hand. I watched the princess turn wicked, and I slowly began to resent you," he said.

Selene felt like she was going to start crying.

"And now here we are," he said in conclusion.

Her eyes began leaking. She remembered running from Dino even as a child, playing a never ending game of hide and seek from the big bad man. The shadow of Nix's friendship tore at her heart as she imagined a younger her, desperately searching for something that had been right there, locked away from her. She remembered her first relationship, a silly little crush that taught her her emotions were too prized to just simply give away. She remembered how that same innocence turned bitter with age, hardening her heart into one of stone.

If she had known him earlier, would things have been different?

"I don't resent you anymore," he said.

He was sitting right beside her now, the distance between them somehow closed.

"You should," she breathed, tasting the salt of her tears.

He rested a gentle hand against her cheek and turned her to face him. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. "I'm sorry about what happened to you. I'm sorry it happened to Adelaide. I'm sorry I couldn't protect you. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

She felt him wipe the tears from her face.

"You have no idea how much I hate myself for letting that happen to you," his voice trembled. "I wanted to protect you. I wanted to save you. I didn't know what to - "

Nix dropped his hand and turned away.

Selene stared at him for a moment. She wanted to reach out for his hand again, but instead, she said, "I'm sorry, too. For who I was. What I did when I worked with Dino."

He shook his head. "We're not the same people anymore."

They let the words settle, tasting the lasting reminder of their broken childhood.

She dropped his hand and turned away, rapidly blinking away her pathetic tears. "What was it like? Being ten years undercover?" she asked.

Nix contemplated for a moment.

"Scary," he finally settled. "I was twelve when I started. Thirteen, the first time I killed someone. I had to kill a lot of people to prove my trust to the higher ups. I just kept killing and killing, thinking each body was bringing me closer to Adelaide."

He began to tremble.

"And sometimes I hate myself for thinking this, but it was...nice to have a community. To grow up with people, even if it was all fake. There were some good people in there. People who didn't choose this lifestyle, but were forced into it. But whenever I caught myself making new friends or getting slightly attached, I felt guilty. Guilty for lying to them and then even guiltier because simply feeling that was like I had betrayed Adelaide."

He shook his head and sighed.

She wanted to touch him but every bone in her body was frozen. "I'm sorry about your friend Jay Astor," she said dumbly.

His shoulders shook against hers with soft laughter, "Jay wasn't really a friend. Ren was just being dramatic."

"Still," she said. "I'm sorry."

"Me too."

The stars blinked.

"For the record, I don't think about killing you anymore," she said.

He laughed so loudly, she nearly fell. He rested a hand on her head, letting it linger there softly.

"That's too bad," he grinned. "Murder looks good on you."