Days and Thoughts

Incomplete Thoughts

I'm such a disappointment. I genuinely am one. I can't do shit. I'm not good at anything. I am bad to my friends and family. I'm bad to my mother even though she said she loves me more than anything else. I'm currently failing. I used to be an ace student. I used to be so good with people. I used to be so carefree. I used to be so great. Now, I'm nothing but a disappointment. You know what's the worst part? I lie to myself. I say I'm trying but in reality I do nothing. I used to be able to multitask now I can't even focus on a single thing. Everything's going downhill. And it's all my fault. I'm not supposed to be saying this because I've been granted such a great life. I'm just a dramatic, whiny, ungrateful, spoilt brat. People out there have it way harder than me. And I'm here just saying nonsense. My mom sees her dreams in me; she wishes me the best life I could possibly get. I'm here just wasting every hour of my life. No, I'm not here watching stuff or going to parties or studying or anything; I see this as a way to fill my time. I just waste my time doing absolutely nothing and I mean it. I don't even think a lot anymore. What do I even do? I remember when over thinking was a problem. I remember when I used to automatically understand people because I empathized with and related to them, some way or another. Now I'm just here losing my friends and my mom. I'm here not trying. I say I'm trying when I never do. I'm so intimated by the future. What if I try but it bears no fruits? "Try harder then," my mind keeps telling me, but I just can't. Oh wait, I can; I'm fully capable of doing so. I just don't. I can't do anything really. I'm such a disappointment. Whenever I try (do the bare minimum) I always make things worse for everyone. I just want to disappear from everyone's life for a bit, just a tiny little bit. But it'll be unfair to everyone. They'd think they did something. I'm such a bad person. I can't even approach anyone with this. What will I tell them anyways? I'll end up burdening them. I'm just being dramatic. I'm overreacting. But I can't stop doing so? I'm a disappointment. I can't do something as easy as studying when I've got the brains for it. I'm losing my ability to think straight. I'm losing my confidence that used to shine so brightly. Lol I can't even see well now. I'm losing my significance. I'm losing my fitness. I used to be fit. Heck, I used to be able to run for 15 minutes straight and stop only because I was bored. I used to be so much better at everything. Well, except one thing; trying. I never really tried. Everything came so easily so why would I try? I'm talented at new things so I've almost always gotten a head start. Now I'm bragging. I'm so dumb aren't I? What I mean is... I don't even know what I mean. I'm might be tired but I don't know. I don't even do anything to feel tired. What am I even doing with my life? I take things for granted without thinking I might lose them. I have no sense of time whatsoever and I'm exceptionally bad at making promises with myself. I break every single one of them. They're all so doable yet I can't fulfill a single one. I'm nothing but a disappointment. I'm too lean with myself. I have no discipline. Things I used to pride myself on are almost nonexistent at this point, or they've grown so measly that it's better if they were never there at the start. I can't do anything right. I have a pretty toxic mindset. I've even lost my essence, my perseverance. It might seem like I'm saying clashing things but this is really the case. I used to be so persistent, so headstrong. "If you don't like something, change it." I've always taken my life like this. Adding another disappointment to the list is the fact that I saw this coming. If I've done something back then, maybe... I don't even regret it lol. I'm so weird. I'm a letdown. I'm not good enough for anything. I can't prioritize things. I regret it. I don't even know where to start... I'm bad at everything at this point. I'm so bad. I suck. I'm so fake I can't even cry. That's another piece of evidence as to why I'm overreacting.