over and over [Jacob black x OC] [[complete]] ..twilight..

3

things were not getting particularly easier at school. one of the teachers started to get a real attitude with me because I tried to do group projects on my own and I didn't like to answer questions when being called on in class. after class on Friday, I tried to explain myself. I didn't like to do even this much, but I'd much rather have a semi-decent report card.

"um, mr. Anderson?" I said quietly as I approached his desk. the last few students were just walking out.

"yes?" he said, eyes looking up over his glasses. he sat stoutly, much too stout and serious for a younger man. he still had a gorgeous head of hair. why throw that all away?

"I just, um, wanted to explain myself, maybe, a little. I just have a lot of... anxiety... and I don't... like really talking a lot, and that's why I don't like... you know, people, and answering questions, and... yeah..." I stumbled over my words like an idiot. it was embarrassing. my cheeks were red hot and he looked at me like I was a stupid fucking person.

"okay, well, sweetie, the real world is going to ask you to do things you don't always want to do," he said, not breaking eye contact, though I did, frequently. I was breaking under his intensity. "that's just life."

I stood there, silently, unsure how to move forward in this conversation.

"okay?" he said, trying to wrap things up. I didn't respond, I just walked away. I could hear him sigh as I left the room.

I wanted to cry, so I did.

I hid in a stall in the bathroom with my hands over my mouth until I was sure no one was in there with me. then I burst into tears.

After maybe five minutes of feeling sorry for myself and letting out all of my hurt feelings, I pat my face with a cold paper towel to bring down the swelling in my eyes so I could enter my next class with a little less shame. Once I got the redness a little under control and I dried my face, I sniffled, looked myself in the eyes and groaned. I walked to my creative writing class.

The teacher was in the middle of talking, of course, so I silently slipped through the room to my seat. I didn't look at anybody. I thought about jumping off of a cliff, of stepping out into traffic, of opening my arms and letting all the red stuff come out, of stealing dad's gun, of diving off the roof head first. I considered what comes in the after life.

at the end of the day, I waited and waited at Bella's truck. she's started to take so fucking long to come out here. I was starting to think I should just drive the truck home from school and she could get a ride with Edward, because this was getting crazy. almost all of the cars were gone from the lot by the time her and Edward approached.

I didn't say anything, though. I didn't want to start any new problems.

"hey, sorry," Bella said, unlocking the truck. the two of them looked really weird. it seemed like something could've been going on between them, but they mostly looked worried and sad. I thought someone must have died.

"did someone die?" I asked stupidly.

"what?" she scoffed, confused and almost amused by the weird question.

"uh, you guys look weird, like sad," I said, climbing into the back of the truck. the two filled out the front seats. it's strange, sometimes we all go home in the truck, other times they take Edwards fancy car and I go home alone. the decision seems like a total whim from day to day.

"oh," Bella said, making eye contact with Edward, trying to communicate nonverbally, I suppose. "no, nothing like that. um, we're- I'm just kind of worried about you lately, I guess."

I know she said we're. what the hell is Edward doing thinking about me at all? I wanted to ask but... couldn't.

"oh, why?" I asked, casting a suspicious eye. I wondered if Charlie asked her about missing booze, cough medicine wrappers, or maybe the smell of weed.

"I don't know, it seem's like you're not... coping well... with the move," she said, choosing her words carefully as she headed out onto the road. Edward sat silently beside her, not looking back at me or at her at all.

"um, maybe we can talk about this later..." I mumbled, watching him for a reaction.

"well, actually, I was talking to Edward... about my concerns... and, well, his dad is a doctor, and he has so many connections..." she said, carefully dancing around a very sore subject.

I closed my eyes shut and my eyebrows clenched together at the middle. I was annoyed and tired of this conversation already.

"that's really nice, maybe we'll talk about it later," I mumbled, looking out the window to another cold and rainy day.

she was silent for a beautiful moment. the car creaked and rumbled, especially when we hit bumps or potholes, which were nearly constant.

"I'm dead serious, ada, I'm really worried about you," she restated, glancing back at me over her shoulder for a flash. I rolled my eyes when I thought she wasn't looking anymore. "Seriously!"

"yeah, I get it. thank you, really. I'll think about it," I said, annoyance clearly in my tone now.

in my room, some time after it got dark, I woke up to the sound of whisper-fighting in the room next to me. I sat up slowly, then put my ear against the wall.

"can we just freakin tell her? i mean, what is she going to do about it? I can't just stumble upon something and try to come up with a lie! she has to know, it's the only way it makes sense. I'm a really bad liar, you know that," Bella argued quietly but dramatically next door.

"Bella, you know we can't do that," he said so quietly I could hardly make it out. the next thing he said was even quieter, so I can't definitively tell, but I'm almost positive he said, "she's listening."

the discussion got quieter and harder to discern. I could only make out a few words and scattered phrases like, "can't be secret", "she's my sister", "my dad", "Carlisle", "fucking hospital" and "crazy".

I was dying to know what they were talking about.