Kyu Zinda Mai Nahi -- Where Love meets War

A/N - Disappearance for 2 months

Hi all

I hope you all are doing well.
The COVID wave has come again so please take good care of yourselves and stay safe.

A lot of you had been asking me about the update a few days back but then stopped and I realised it might have been extremely irritating for you as a reader to read a part and then have nothing for almost 2 months.

I apologise for the same but let's say I had my fair share of reasons too.

The last update was on 25th October, 2021 after which I had taken a break because of the approaching Semester exams in November.
Soon after that my college had re-opened and I was back in Bangalore on 6th December, 2021.

The entire patch after Diwali till first week of December went first in preparing for exams and then for college and all of that was too hectic.

I had thought that I'll write while I get free time from hybrid classes but that one month of December was not a very good one for me in Bangalore.

We all talk of mental health so many times but only when we experience it at some point of time do we realise how excruciating and disturbing it is in reality.

I went through a rough phase back then, resons unknown to me.

I had a few nervous breakdowns where I cried till my eyes hurt, lost temper which I've never done in my life till now, had moments of self doubt, almost distanced myself from people around, had so much negativity in my mind that everything happening around seemed wrong.
You don't realise your mind is so disturbed until you step out of your comfort zones and so despite having faced certain troubles for almost 2 months in home, I didn't realise it was such a big deal till the time I moved thousands kilometres away to Bangalore when I was out of my comfort space.
One thung led to another and all of that triggered me to an extent that there were literally times when at one moment I would laugh and the next moment I wanted to be left alone and sit and cry.
Anxiety would hit me, doubts would creep in, wierd thoughts would come to my mind and I had almost lost control over my emotions.
No matter how much I wanted to distract myself from these things, the mind wouldn't let me do that.
Not once, not twice, not thrice, I tried writing countless number of times, but I failed.
I tried dancing, I failed ; tried reading, I failed.

This is not even 10% of what I felt back then.
All of it is something that I am not even to speak.

I'm a person who cannot share what's in her heart. If something is bothering me, I'd rather keep it to myself and suffer rather than speaking up because I think it'll be an unnecessary burden for others, or that people might judge me about the same.

The reason I'm writing all this today is not a justification of being inactive or something like that but because I wanted to tell you all that if at any point of time you feel disturbed, do something to make it ok, distract yourself, share it with someone or do anything to take it out of your system. Don't let it go to an extent where it starts affecting you and your mind because these things not only affect your mental but also your physical health.
It plays badly with your brain and makes you so negative from inside.
Accepting that you're suffering isn't bad, doesn't make you weak.
No matter how little the issue is, if it's disturbing you mentally, accept it, acknowledge it because only after you yourself accept it will you be able to help yourself.

I accepted it and openly told it to my mother and even my close friends after a point of time.
I told them "something is bothering me a lot and it's disturbing my state of mind. It's affecting me and I want to do something about it".
Believe me, as I write this today, it took me a lot of courage to say because as human mind is, it doens't allow you to share your vulnerability but at the end of the day, acceptance it the key.

If I went through something, it happened and that's it.
I suffered and I made it ok.
Always remember, it's always you.
You to suffer, you to make yourself alright.
At the end of the day, you're the one who has to fight your own battles.

I'm back home for a month and will be going after the third wave dies down so till then, I hope I'm able to steal sometimes between college and give updates.
This is the last semester of my graduation hence it's bound to be a little hectic.
Just pray that I get back to college soon, last few months of college life and I want to be there !!

Anyway, let's do a little something.
Let's promise ourselves to never let our mental health get affected to an extent that you are at loss !!

Stay safe, take care.