we died

we died
we died the day you chose to see me as a person, and not as a soul.
we died that night i could possibly hear you breathing from my place, meanwhile you sent me goodnight but stayed awake.
we died when i held your hand but it felt like holding a rock, a nonexistent person that i only made up in my mind.
we died the day i ran into you expecting you'd cover me and all my fears with your arms, instead you acted like i never ran to you from the beginning.
we died that moment you looked me straight into the eyes and lied to me, although you knew i knew it all.
we died that day when you were about to hit me and everyone was watching.
we died when you said you loved me, but never meant it.
we died when i poured my all, fell all the way for you expecting you'd catch me, sadly, you never did.
we died when i waited for you to be proud of me, and actually see that glimmer in your eyes, i wanted your eyes to speak to me words your mouth never could, no wonder why it never happened.
we died when i told you all my fears, all my insecurities and you used them all against me.
we died when i was feeling low and you only pulled me lower.
we died when i begged for your love, and you gave me nothing in return.
we died when all i wanted was to express myself and be heard and understood, and all you did was give me that angry face.
we died when i wanted to be loved right, and all i got was some words and nothing else was right.
we died when i did put my trust in you, after years and years of suffering, yet, you failed me even worse than those before you.
we died when i told you how much i don't want another version of my father, yet you abandoned me the same.
we died when i pretended i'm happy, and you knew it was an act, yet you did nothing.
we died when i looked into your eyes, and didn't see my own reflection back.
we died the days you disappeared, when you left me bleeding and all that consumed me, was fear.
we died every time someone else helped me out, when all i was waiting for is you.
we died every single day i held something good towards you.
we died when i thought i could build a home with you, make a home out of you and be shamelessly myself, and you judged, pointed out my flaws, reminded me of what it's like to be broken. to be lonely when you're in someone's arms.
i knew things and feelings with you, new ones, ones i thought never existed, ones i thought i'd never experience, all of them tore apart every living piece left inside of me.
we died, we died and when we died, hundreds and hundreds of times.
to a point where i kept asking myself, how do we even get reborn after it all?
how do we revive ourselves?
how or why do i even come back again?
we died every time i had to ask for gentleness, for love, for touches, for eye contact, for sweet words, for actions.
we died the days i asked, if you truly loved me, and the times i wanted you to prove it.
sadly, i died when you didn't.
but you, lived.