Main Sequence (BL)

5

5

AKIO POV

Any sleep I'd hoped for was nonexistent, my nights spent tossing and turning in agitation. My head was filled with cotton as I struggled to make sense of it all, working tirelessly at the tangle of exhausting mental fibers. I couldn't stop reliving what had happened to my best friend, the one person I should've cared for most.

How could I have let it get this bad? My lack of motivation had spread like a virus, infecting one of the people I cared for most. I'd failed as a friend; hiding from everyone and everything had blinded me to the issues staring me in the face this entire time. Knowing I would never see the full picture, I'd selfishly detached so I wouldn't have to feel a thing. Guilt had the funniest way of becoming something much, much worse when left unmanaged. It had manifested into a horrible monster, a desire to hide from my shortcomings. Avoiding the monster that crouched in the corner of my room was like ignoring the nagging beep of a 'check engine' light. What bitter irony it was that I'd criticized Ryu's avoidance and impaired judgment when I was the biggest hypocrite.

On the walk back home, we made a deal. I wanted to meet my mom and Ryu in the middle, so we agreed on a few terms. I would split my shower time with him to keep the bills from skyrocketing. The thought embarrassed me, but I didn't even mind if he hopped in with me; I just couldn't find the courage to suggest it. We would share meals so my mom wouldn't have to buy extra groceries, and he promised he would always reply to my messages. Oh, and we decided we'd let his old house foreclose, an option I didn't know we had until I researched it on a library computer. We would quit these terrible, self-destructive habits we indulged mindlessly in, and eventually, we'd find jobs.

Ryu promised to stay with me, even if it meant we needed to sneak him around my mom. I would start locking my bedroom door after a few weeks so my mom wouldn't notice that Ryu was always staying over. To be honest, I didn't think she would have a problem with it, but he practically begged to keep the situation quiet. If it meant that much to him, I wouldn't tell her. I would do anything to keep him off of the streets, to keep him from living the way he had been.

What I'd seen that day made me realize his emotions had become a dense forest that no one had been able to see through for a very long time. He'd rooted himself deep into disoriented solitude and false tranquility. The knotted roots twisted and entwined, leaving fear and loyalty indistinguishable. When he'd decided to stay there, in that place, I don't think he realized there was no chance of real nourishment. The strangling tendrils had knotted around him, tightening until they left him blue and wilted.

There were so many signs that he carried the same weight in his chest that I did, but for different reasons. I'd wrestled Ryu from the grasp of that venomous snake in the grass, in the hopes it would bring him out of the suffocating woods. Since then he'd latched onto me tighter, not because of a fear of abandonment, but constricting me because it was all he knew. Ryu was finally depending on me instead of that snake, and it was the biggest relief; but it left me drained, and I could tell it was hurting him, too.

Ryu had left this morning around seven to grab clothes from his house, anything he needed. I felt bad for asking him; I never wanted him to go back there but I knew he needed some things. Maybe it was more for me, but I just wanted to do laundry for him. I wanted him to wear something clean for once.

The front door clicked open gently as I rubbed my eyes, shuffling into the kitchen where my mom stood. She studied a piece of paper, probably another bill, with tired eyes. Lately, her fever had been up and down, but she looked exhausted and ill again. Her forehead sheened with a film of sweat as she fanned herself with the envelope distractedly. It was like the guilt I felt for everyone else had become a permanent part of myself. I wish I could help her, too.