" Your too thin"
" You have like no body"
"Eat more you don't have enough wheight on you"
" Your so ugly"
Why cant I look like them, Why do I look at pictures of others in jealousy wishing I looked like them. Why can't I have that ideal body the one everyone looks for when they look at a person. The thick thighs, perfect hair, beautiful eyes, perfect smile, slim waist, thicker build. Why am I so imperfect and why does the world remind me of this everyday.
I wanna be pretty, I wanna look like those girls on the covers of magazines. I wanna be able to look in the mirror and not doubt myself because of how i look. People always tell me i should eat more. But I already eat a lot. They tell me I dont have enough wheight on me, however i've been trying to gain wheight since i was younger its not my fault. My mom often comments how I look bad because I look like my dad... Thats not my fault I was born like this.
Why does the world have to be so judgemental. If it wasnt I would maybe feel better about myself instead of sitting here comparing myself to others all the time. Maybe i wouldn't sit behind a screen and look at all these people who are like perfect in my eyes. Often I think about how others may see me. Do they see the same faults I do.
Do they notice the outline of my ribcage when they look at me, do they not like my smile just as much as me? Do they judge me for my wheight like my family? Do they notice how messy and imperfect I am?. Do they judge me for my likes and dislikes?. What is their first impression of me?
What i've learned growing up is that the world is always judging someone and all it takes is something small for you to be the target of their judgemental views. But what if it was as simple to ignore them as it is to listen to what they say. What if you could tone out all the negative thoughts with the flip of a switch maybe things would be better. Maybe i wouldn't think so much.
I remember everyday I'll take tons of pictures say about 20-30 just because... ill show my smile, not hide my eyes and i'll all my insecurities show in the videos, by the end of the day they are all deleted and forgotton. Why... Well because sometimes the one who judges you most is yourself. Once you let others words get in your head you believe them. Everyone is insecure of something they just dont always embrace it.
I'm gonna work on myself from now on. Try and listen to the music I listen to and learn to love myself. Maybe then my insecurities will start to fade. Maybe then I can try to turn them into background noise instead of the voices of people telling me what i can't be.
