As Much As You

Tears and Butterflies

The hardest day for Izzie was the next day. When Casey took her to visit her siblings.

Her little brother and younger sisters had aged almost six years since Izzie's last memory of them. Her youngest sister, Charlie, had been a baby. Now, she was a talkative six year old. Her brother Luca had been ten, and now was a handsome teenager who was taller than both Izzie and Casey. Her middle sister had been eight, and was now about to turn fourteen.

Seeing them all grown up was a shock to Izzie's system. Even though she cognitively knew that almost six years had passed since her last memory, it hadn't fully registered yet. Until she saw her siblings. Their aging was so apparent because of how young they had been, that there was no denying how much time had gone by.

As Casey drove them back home, Izzie wept. She wept for her lost memories, for the way her life had seemingly changed overnight, for the expectations that came with suddenly being an adult. In her mind she was still a fifteen year old girl, but that fifteen year old girl no longer existed in the real world. Instead she was plopped into the life of a stranger, expected to pick up the pieces, with Casey trying to guide her, which she appreciated, but it just added more pressure.

Izzie wished she would regain her memories, desperately. It scared her to think she might never regain them.

What if she spent the rest of her life with six years missing? Trying to live a life that felt like a strangers? In a relationship with somebody that she couldn't remember choosing?

Or even worse? What if she remembered, and she didn't like who she had become?

The way Casey looked at her made her feel even worse. The love and concern so clearly written across those big brown eyes. She didn't even remember when she had come to terms with her sexuality. The thought of any kind of sexual intimacy was frightening to Izzie, because she didn't know how to have sex with a girl. Yet, apparently she already had, but that wasn't any help to her. She wasn't even sure if she would like it. How could she ever tell this tall girl who stared at her with such love about these worries though? She didn't think she could. It would only hurt her more, and while Izzie didn't love Casey, she knew that Casey loved her, and didn't want to hurt her.

Izzie hid under the covers when she got back to Casey's room.

Casey stared at her helplessly, wanting so bad to fix everything, and feeling useless.

After awhile Casey wandered away to give Izzie some space.

After a few hours Izzie crept out from under the covers abs headed for downstairs. She laughed when she saw the blanket fort set up in the living room.

Casey popped her head out, holding a book and a flashlight, flashing a charming smile at Izzie.

"Wanna come in?" Casey said with her eyes twinkling.

Izzie nodded shyly, before crawling in next to Casey. She lay beside Casey in the fort as Casey read her Stephen King's It. She found herself hiding her face in Casey's shoulder during the scary parts, and giggling when Casey teased her.

Later, when Casey left to go for a run, Izzie stared at herself in the bathroom mirror. She felt something in her stomach. A little flutter, like some sort of feeling was starting to take root. Did she really just get butterflies from Casey?