My Sun and My Stars

Dear John

Aya POV

I was in a panic. A mess of makeup colored tears like some water color painting. My hands trembled as the weight of what I did made it nearly impossible to breathe.

The way it had felt to be kissed, to be desired. The way I had touched him, how he wanted me to keep going.

How I had known what would happen when I took him, alone, and I had led him outside anyway.

After seeing Jay cheating on me I had this feral need to be desired, wanted. To have someone be attracted to me.

And I knew Izzy liked me. He wasn't exactly subtle in the way that he made it known how he wanted me. It wasn't physical. Nothing serious.

Just the way he'd tuck my hair behind my hair when I was taking notes. How he'd light two cigarettes in his mouth, sliding one into my lips, he'd always have his hand on my lower back as he helped me out of cars and into buildings. And Jay was right, the 'my Aya' was him trying to put his claim in.

But the way Izzy treated me.

How he'd find the art exhibits or these old museums where we'd spend days between interviews exploring places I had always dreamed of going. He listened when I talked, taking me out for sushi for the first time and holding my hand to show me how to work chopsticks. How he knew I never took time to myself and planned a whole spa day and even gave me a friend to go with.

I loved how he did the really cheesy things like taking pictures of me in all these places. He made sure it was just me in at least one because he said it was important for me to have my own memories of the tour. Memories that if everything went wrong that I could still have from the first time that I left California. He had started bringing my art supplies along with us on these trips, sitting on the ground with his arms around his legs as he looked up at whatever picture I was sketching. His silence, quiet and never pushing me to hurry up was comforting. I liked when he would rest his head against my leg and just let me draw, and I loved how he never asked me to share my art unless I wanted to.

Izzy was the first person to understand and respect the boundaries that I wanted. The girl person who let me lead and feel in control. He gave me a power that I hadn't known I could have.

Where I had learned love was a service Izzy showed me it was more than just always giving.

For the past two months I knew I was falling out of love with Jay. I was finally seeing what it was like out there and knowing I didn't have to stay. Plus everyone seeing how Jay treated me and having people who didn't know us before this comment on it was so embarrassing.

The shame I carried because of everything he did was making it hard for me to eat and sleep. I was constantly waiting for him to do something and someone seeing who he was again. I'd be there not being able to make eye contact with people for days.

Now, everyone was in hotel rooms. My things tucked into the room I had paid for Jay to sleep in with probably some other girl. And I was hiding in Izzy's bunk, holding his pillow against my chest as I absentmindedly breathed in his scent to calm myself down.

Tonight I had taken things too far because I knew I could. I had used the affection and want he had for me for my own selfish feelings of wanting to be the girl someone picked. I had taken the anguish of Jay cheating on me and reached for someone who would make me feel like I was worth something.

But here I was, proving I wasn't.

And the worst part was, now that I had pushed too far with Izzy, he would think I was just like everyone else and anything real I might have thought or hoped could develop in whatever excess of my mind allowed a fantasy of happiness, was gone.