Zoya Nazyalensky Imagines

Journeying Through It

It is difficult to rest when you know you are being hunted. It is even more difficult when you can't stop thinking about what you've just seen, when you've been forced to come to terms with the fact that everyone you trusted turned out to have been lying to you all along. You trusted the Darkling; you trusted Ivan and the Heartrenders and every other Grisha who somehow found themselves in the Darkling's war room. And, in the end, it was all for nothing.

Now, you lie in fitful sleep in the mouth of a cave, tossing and turning as if the knowledge that the newly expanded Shadow Fold is only a short distance from you can keep you from truly letting your guard down. It's not good, what you've been through, and the horrors of the journey through the Unsea are taking their toll on you now.

The worst of it should be over, yet you doubt that you'll find safe harbor anytime soon. Even if Alina Starkov somehow managed to dispatch the Darkling back to the most hellish part of the making at the heart of the world where he belongs, you'll still have to contend with Ivan and the Darkling's supporters. A regime such as that one does not come about by itself, and it will not die off easily, either. You'll have to burn it to the ground yourself, whether or not you'll have Inferni backup to help you.

In the end, you're forced to come to terms with the unfortunate truth-you have no idea how many friends you have left at the Little Palace, or how many would be willing to help you. All you know right now is that you have yourself and Zoya, with Alina fled with her tracker for safety. Despite everything, you find you can't blame the Sun Summoner for wanting to leave- at least now she can rest and try to stop blaming herself for what happened out in the Fold.

Right now, you and Zoya are camped out in a small cavern along the edge of Novokribirsk. Even now, despite the apparent postlude of peace following the events on the Darkling's sand skiff, the two of you still can't quite bring yourselves to stay the night in one of the empty houses in the town. Maybe you want to be hidden from a possible second attack from the Darkling's men, who would likely canvas the town searching for you, or maybe you're still apprehensive to close your eyes in a town full of people who had died horrific deaths before your eyes mere hours ago.

Zoya had looked at you with a hollow gaze when you'd brought up the issue of where to stay for the night. She'd said something about not wanting to stay in any of the houses in case their owners came back. Neither of you mention the obvious, which is that none of these houses will ever be filled again. They'll stay empty until they're torn down or some new scavengers move in-after all, monsters and volcra fodder cannot return home.

So, you'd headed back to the scraggly edges of wilderness around the town, and found a suitable place to spend the night. It's out of sight from any searchers who might wish you harm, and from here, you can't see the details of the cracked and broken city below. The two of you are exhausted from the day's fight, and subsequent horrific discoveries, so you lay down to rest at last. Alina, Mal, and the three thieves from Ketterdam are long gone to the docks; it's just the two of you now. That's all you could want, at a time like this.

There's a faint sound from beside you, and you turn slightly to find its source. A faint smile appears on your face when you see her-Zoya Nazyalensky, for once not barking orders or issuing challenges but lying still. For once, she's forced to let her emotions catch up with her. Only in sleep, it appears, will she be unable to stop running from everything that haunts her.

Another soft cry tears at the quiet fabric of the night, and you look closer at her. She's having a nightmare, must be, because her brow is so knotted with worry that it almost looks like she's going to war against herself. You worry now, too, at what would make Os Alta's finest soldier tremble like a stalk of grass against the force of her own fearsome storms.

You lean forward, rocking her slightly, but she does not respond. You curse softly under your breath. You hate to see Zoya like this, in any kind of pain, so you know that you have to wake her. You reach out a hesitant arm, pulling her close to you so at least she'll feel sheltered when she wakes. Your voice is quiet and insistent when you speak at last, permeating the cave like the snip of scissors from a well-trained seamstress.

"Zoya." Nothing. You try again. "Zoya, it's me. You need to wake up." After a few more gentle taps, she awakens with a start, sitting up so rapidly you have to lean back to avoid hitting her. Zoya's breathing is fast and irregular, and for a while, she's unable to say anything at all. You reach for her again, and she takes your hand uncomprehendingly. You don't even think she truly recognizes you until you speak.

"It's okay, you're okay. It's just a nightmare. We're safe." Zoya stares at you for a moment, desperately trying to gather up the scraps of her usually protective aura of an uncaring general, then collapses into you. You pull her close, her face against your collarbone. When she speaks, her voice is so quiet that you can barely hear her at all.

"I saw it. I saw her." Zoya doesn't have to elaborate for you to know what she's talking about- her aunt lived in Novokribirsk before the Darkling had his Shadow Fold swallow it whole. Zoya was one of the Squallers tasked with moving the sand skiff through the Unsea, so she had the perfect vantage point to watch her aunt's hometown be swallowed up by darkness and monsters. If she's having a nightmare about it now, it must mean that she cannot find it within herself to do anything but roil in the guilt that she could do nothing as her aunt died.

You press a kiss to her forehead. "It's alright, love. There was nothing you could have done. I know you don't want to hear that now, but it's true. What's done is done. All we can do now is try and rebuild." Zoya sighs, and you swear you can hear the very air rattling in her lungs as she tries to hold back a sob. Such is the flaw of being an Etherealki- you can tell exactly when the person you love the most is hurting.

"She saved me when I was younger. I should have been able to save her." Zoya's eyes are wide, and she stares around the room as if half expecting the Darkling himself to emerge from the depths of the cave so she could strike him down and finally have peace. You put on a comforting smile, drawing it over yourself like a cloak. "I know, Zoya. I know. I hate that you couldn't do anything about it."

A pause, then Zoya's voice follows yours. "So do I." You rub absentminded circles on her shoulders, her back. Anything to remind her that you're still here, that you won't leave. "She wouldn't expect you to do anything about this either. You know that, don't you? There was absolutely nothing you could have done, and that's okay. At some point, you will have to forgive yourself for this."

Zoya looks at you uncomprehendingly. "How? How is there any way I could let this go?" You take her hand, pressing it once to your lips before continuing on. "You don't have to let her go, just the guilt. She wouldn't want you to drown in it, not like you are now." Zoya sighs. "I know, I just-I don't know that I can, or at least not now." You nod encouragingly. "And that's okay. I just want you to rest, love. Let down your guard."

Zoya hesitates one last second, then lies back down. "Thank you, Y/N. I mean it." You smile at her, even if she can't see it in the darkness of the cave. "Anytime. You helped me survive in the Fold, so I'll help you now. That's how we work, isn't it? We have each other's backs." Zoya kisses you one last time before settling back into sleep. "That we do."