So, you hate my playlist? (Slate 809 Series)

086

Part 086

Sachella.

"Salamat po."

Tumango lamang nang tipid ang janitor na tumulong sa aking bitbitin 'yung isang box ko ng gamit sa locker. It was... a struggle. 'Yung pakiramdam mong ang labo na ng lahat. Sabay-sabay. Ni hindi ka man lang binigyan ng buhay ng pagkakataon para huminga at magpatuloy.

Para bang paulit-ulit na lang ako.

And there was no other choice anyway. At the end of the day, I knew I just had to accept my fate. Araw-araw naman—sanayan lang din talaga.

It wasn't helping that I could feel my eyes getting heavier and heavier.

I sighed. This ends here. I was about to pick up the box from the kiosk when someone suddenly snatched it away from me. Laking gulat ko nang makita si Hunter sa harapan ko. His stare felt hollow. Hindi ko rin mabasa ang emosyon sa mukha niya.

He carried the box.

And we stood still in front of each other.

Until he finally broke the silence, "Where are you going?"

I remained staring at him.

I could feel my throat tightening at his question. Because God knows, I never liked the idea of doing this. That at the very least, I still did hope I'd get there. That at some point, I did hope I could prove them wrong someday.

That history will not just repeat itself on me.

But I guess, life has never been in my favor.

Not even once. Not even in a split second.

And I have to accept that.

A subtle sigh escaped my lips as I swallowed the lump forming in my throat. "Just somewhere," I answered plainly.

His eyes remained on me, too. I thought he was going to say something, but he suddenly picked up the paper I threw somewhere inside the box. And the weight on my chest just got... worse.

He was only blinking. I averted my gaze somewhere. I just... didn't like to remind myself of what will happen. Dahil maging ako, hindi ko na rin alam ang gagawin ko sa sarili ko.

When I was seven, I just wanted to be like other normal kids. Hindi ko pa maintindihan noon kung bakit... kailangan halos linggo-linggo akong dinadalaw ng mga pulis sa bahay namin. I asked some of my friends but at the end, of course I lost them. No parent would want their child to get associated with the daughter of a suspected criminal anyway. So, I accepted that.

Then I turned fourteen, and I just wanted people to stop talking shit about me.

Now that I am eighteen, I just wanted to live.

I constantly wonder up until today, is everything I want in life too much to ask for?

"Sachella," he trailed off, eyes still on the paper, "you're—"

I quickly cut him off by getting it away from him. "Dropping out," I finished his sentence.

I guess it will always be too much to ask for.

Hunter didn't blink now. It was as if he was suddenly frozen in place. I bit my lower lip when I felt my eyes watering. Again. I tried to snatch the box from him, but he only held it tighter.

Tinitigan ko siya. "Give it back to me."

He disregarded me, "Sachella, what the fuck," he muttered as he placed the box down back on the kiosk. "You can't just drop out like this! Tell me. What's the problem? Maybe—maybe, we could find a way? Just don't give it up now... We're graduating in a month, for Pete's sake!"

Niyukom ko ang kamao ko nang mas magtubig ang mata ko. I just... wanted it to be over. Ang sikip sa dibdib. Umiling ako't hindi siya kinibo. Akmang kukuhanin ko na sana ang box nang maingat niyang hinawakan ang magkabila kong braso at ipinaharap ako sa kan'ya.

"Hunter, ano ba—"

"What's the problem?" he gently asked while staring into my eyes. "Did someone set you up on this? Fuck them. I'll do whatever it takes to make you stay—"

"No. You're not going to do anything."

"Then, why... are you leaving?" he scoffed, "Sachella, I don't fucking get it... We can always find a way—I will find a way! Just stay... here. Ako na'ng bahala sa lahat para sa'yo..."

And my heart skipped a beat. His words sounded promising. Yet they felt too promising. Kasabay ng pamumuo ng luha ko ang pagtapak ko palikod upang makalas ang hawak niya sa balikat ko.

"Fucking asshole. You don't understand."

"Yes, I don't understand," he said. "Sachi, why would you waste this? Just a month—"

"Just a month, Hunter?" Pinalis ko ang luhang tumakas sa pisngi ko. Hunter's lips went agape when he saw me crying. Humugot ako nang malalim na hininga. "Just... a fucking month, Hunter, and my mother could die."

He blinked again. "Sachella—"

"Don't." I shook my head. Mas lalo lang akong naiyak habang naalala ko 'yung hitsura ni Mommy sa hospital kagabi. Ang daming tubo... ang daming nakasaksak. Ni hindi maalis sa isip ko. "You will never understand... A month is a privilege, Hunter. And I don't care if I'll not finish senior high school if that means I'll get to see my mother awake again," I said as I finally carried the box on the kiosk and walked away from him.