I close my eyes. I can hardly feel the pressure of my back against the wall. I place my head on my knees.
The void.
I thought I was going to be sad.. is this what feeling bad means? Is this what it feels like? I didn't expect it exactly like this. I have often been hurt in the past. Why is it so different this time?
I move the wire of the headphones, it bothers me in contact with the cheek. I've always wanted bluetooth ones but... well my dad is Apollo... I can't expect to see him, let alone expect a birthday present.
The music plays in my ears, raising me from my thoughts. Which song is it?
...but you, you don't tell the truth
no you, you like playing games...
Not this song. Not now.. a cold tear falls. Is it the first one? Or have I already been crying for a while?
I don't know.
These three words stand out in my mind. I don't know a lot of things.
Automatically, my thoughts begin to wander, to multiply, to expand. Not again. They are intrusive. They crush me. It hadn't happened in a long time. After the therapy I thought I was okay, and instead here they are back, numerous, heavy.
Too many thoughts, too many, too many, too many, too many, too many, too m- I open my eyes, panting. Was it a panic attack? No.. it was different. What's happening to me?
And here they are back, aggressive.
Who knows if anyone has noticed my disappearance. No, definitely not. Who could care..? I am always there when there is a need for joy, positivity, but... but.. "who is there when I need it?" I whisper. I spoke unwittingly. I can hear my voice breaking. This sound only makes the situation worse.
I try to focus on the headphones again.
...with your little white lies, little white lies...
No no no no no no. Music has a particular effect on me. It sure is my father's fault. It gives me certain emotions.. that I can't describe. I open my eyes again. When did I close them? I don't know. The only thing I know is that I'm only able to blame others for my complaints.
The room around me revolves. My vision.. it's all blurry. Are those.. tears? Yes, what a familiar feeling. I almost missed this daily sensation.
A dull noise.
I raise my head.
I imagined it. My head is too full of thoughts. Another noise. Maybe I haven't imagined it..?
"Will"
Percy.
