night time fears

March 1st (O.S) 1917

Shall I tell you a secret? I am afraid of the dark.

Well.

I suppose that’s not strictly the truth. I am not afraid of the actual dark itself, but what it brings forward in your mind: your fears and worries, which seem one hundred times more serious when you can’t see. I can’t tell anyone of course. What would they think, I, Anastasia the Prankster, afraid of monsters under the bed and men with knives in our toy cupboard? I’d be teased relentlessly for the rest of my life. Most of the time it is not that bad. Papa does his best to keep bad news away from us children, or at least he did before the war, and if I have a worry I can usually talk about it with Mashka before going to sleep and we will often end up laughing about it. But some times, like tonight, when my breath is laboured and my forehead burns like a stove because I have managed to catch measles, the night time fears creep out of the shadows to get me…

                                                *

It all began with our visit to England in 1909, when I was eight. It was a good holiday to begin with, my sisters, Alexei and I had never been further from Russian than Hesse so going all the way to England on ‘Polar Star’ was the most exciting thing we had ever done. Makes us all sound very dull doesn’t it? Papa was going to see his cousin, Uncle Georgie, and Mama was thrilled to be returning to the country where she had spent so many happy childhood summers. We had to have many pictures with our cousins, and Great-Uncle Edward, the King. As far as I can remember he was the only one who was smiling. We children were too hot to sit still and the adults were all acting nervous. I didn’t know it then but a lot was riding on that visit.

Things started to go wrong when I was left alone with the boys and Auntie May, while Mama and my sisters went shopping in the town nearby.

‘It’s not fair!’ I’d huffed. ‘Why can’t I go too?’

‘You’re too little, you’d just get bored,’ Tatiana said, bustling about the cabin like a twelve-year-old nanny. ‘And that would spoil it for the rest of us.’

‘What she means,’ Olga corrected, sitting down next to me and kissing my furrowed forehead, ‘is that you’ll have much more fun here in the gardens with the cousins. I’ve told Bertie to watch out for you.’ She grinned wickedly. ‘He was surprisingly obliging.’

Maria giggled and even I managed a faint smile.

‘Play hide and seek,’ Tatiana suggested, ‘you always win that.’

I did, that was true. What she didn’t know then was that I’d climb a tree until everyone else was found then go hide in the most obvious place and wait to be found there.

‘Alright,’ I sighed. ‘But it’s still not fair,’ I added, to make sure that they knew I wasn’t happy with the arrangements.

The Big Pair smiled at me fondly, then ran from the cabin towards Mama’s voice. Maria linked my arm as we followed them. ‘I’ll buy you some candies and a nice surprise,’ she whispered in my ear. I squeezed her arm in affection. My lovely, sweet, caring Mashka.

                                                *

As it happened Bertie, the boy who was so eager to please Olga, was not to be playing with us. Neither was his elder brother, who they call David. Both were to be having lessons even when there were guests staying, something Mama frowned upon severely. The girl, Mary, had gone with Mama and my sisters as she and Tatiana got on well. So, I was left alone with the two little boys: Henry, a year older than me, tall, blonde and highly sure of himself and Georgie Junior, a year younger than i was, giddy, energetic and drunk on excitement and the lemonade Auntie May poured for us as a special treat. He was so giddy in fact that Auntie May decided to leave Henry and I in the care of Great-Uncle Edward and Great-Auntie Alix while she put him down for a rest with Alexei in the nursery. Edward and Alix were not the greatest of babysitters, because as soon as they settled themselves down in the chairs over looking the lawn we were playing on, both fell deeply asleep. After a few minutes, Henry nudged me.