three in the morning « jack gilinsky

6. kind of like a crack cocaine addiction.

DIANA

2:25am was the time when I ran into my bedroom, slamming the door shut behind me, refusing to talk to Georgina who happened to be awake, the only thing that left her mouth being was it that Gilinsky guy, not gaining a single response from me – not a reaction, not a sound, nothing. I didn't want to speak to anybody. I wanted to bury myself under my covers and never see the light of day again. I wanted to pick up the phone, and beg him to tell me what it is that I apparently don't remember, what it is that he wants me to let go, even though I don't know what I am supposed to be letting go of. I was conflicted intensely. I had been ignoring calls and texts from Elijah all night, refusing to answer him because I knew I was supposed to be at the party with him, but instead I had been locked in a room with Jack. Yet, every time my phone vibrated under my hand, my mind told me it was my boyfriend trying to get in touch only my heart yearned for it to be Jack.

I have always wondered why he never speaks to me face to face, maybe it's because he knows we will only argue after getting along for an hour. I don't want our friendship to be nothing more than just conversations on the phone through the night. I want to be able to speak to him, in person, and it not end with him telling me to let it go or me questioning why he only bothers to call me when he's high. But I deserve answers. I deserve to know what is running through his mind when he decides to keep me up all night.

I want to know the reasons behind the phone calls, I want to know why it's me, why he chose me out of all the other girls he knows. I don't even know how he wound up with my number. Maybe if he could give me an answer to the burning questions in my mind, I could come up with answer to my own questions, questions that consist of mainly what is it about him that keeps me up all night, unable to end the call because the sound of his voice makes me feel as though I am walking on clouds and why when he passes me in the corridor and his arm brushes past mine accidentally, does it cause my stomach to ignite with butterflies as though they are fireworks on the fourth of July? I know it is not a crush, I have had many crushes, and none of them have ever made me feel the way he does when his name pops up on my screen.

Not even Elijah makes me feel the way he does, and there isn't a single ounce of doubt in my mind that sways me away from the thought that it makes me a bad girlfriend. Scrap that, it makes me an awful girlfriend. I have never ran for my phone when he calls me in the way I do when the clock strikes 3:00am. I have never drowned my body in caffeine to ensure I can stay awake for a phone call that has no set time length – it could last five minutes, or five hours.

2:59am and I was still holding out for the hope that when he walked through his front door, kicking off his shoes and tearing off his clothes, throwing himself into his bed, that he would light up yet another joint, and like clock work, his mind would flicker to me, and his finger would dial my number without second thought.

Holding a cushion close to my chest, I could feel my heart beat picking up, my eyes glued to my phone as the clock turned from 2:59 to 3:00. I wanted so badly for him to call, for him to feel as though he needed to hear my voice before he slipped into a slumber, like four times in the past the call doesn't end, we both fall asleep without realizing.

Maybe it's an addiction we have.

Kind of like how people are addiction to crack cocaine, and people are addicted to alcohol – unable to go without it, and when they do go without it for even a miniscule amount of time it feels as though the entire world is coming to an end, that the sky is raining balls of fire and the oceans of the world have mass created a tidal wave ready to wipe out the land it swarms.

I doubt he feels the same way, because if he did, he would have picked up the phone at three in the morning, and he would have called me, even if it was to just say goodnight.