The New Nanny

Leaving

EMILY

Hands touching me, smothering me.

I can barely breathe.

All I can see are his black expressionless eyes.

I want to scream to beg him to stop, but I can't speak, I can't even move.

His warm breath in my ear: "You're mine." 

*

My alarm pulls me out of my nightmare, but it takes a moment for my breathing to return to normal.

I sit up and instantly feel that throb behind my left eye, thanks to alcohol and a lack of sleep. Groaning, I manage to stand and make it to the bathroom.

As I look in the mirror, flashes of last night come back to me. I'm still not sure what happened between us, but I know how it made me feel - dirty, used, and more than a little afraid of what John might be capable of.

I resist the urge to jump back into the shower, after spending far too long in there in the early hours of this morning. I have to get Danny ready for school.

If only I hadn't tried to make him jealous, if only I had just gone to bed, then this would never have happened.

I make Danny his breakfast, help him get ready for school, and walk him to the gates. The entire time I feel like I'm on autopilot, just one question swirling around my head:

Why?

I'm grateful to get back to an empty house and attempt to lose myself in cleaning up the kitchen, but it's not working.

My ringtone is loud and makes me jump. Looking at the screen I see my sister's name come up, but I let it ring. 

She's not the one I need answers from.

Once her call rings off, I send off a message to John:

We need to talk.

His reply is almost instant:

I'm heading back now.

I know he's supposed to be in a meeting for his new film right now and I ignore the urge to tell him not to worry, to take his time and come back whenever. 

I need answers and I need them now.

*

When he walks in the door 40 minutes later, I'm sitting at the kitchen table on my second drink. I decided Dutch courage was the best way.

"Emily?" I hear him call my name, almost desperately. 

"In here!" I call back. He walks into the doorway but doesn't come any further.

"Are you okay?" His overly concerned tone is what sets me off crying. He rushes over and crouches down by me, but avoids touching me.

I take some deep breaths to calm down and look down at his flushed face.

"You...you rushed back." It's the only thing I can think to say as I sniffle. He's quiet for a moment, before fixing me with a pained look.

"I couldn't stop thinking about last night. Shit, I'm so sorry Emily. I was just so wound up and I thought you might like it, but the more I thought about it-" He cuts himself off, running his hands through his hair in frustration. "I was so jealous, you and Dean were flirting, but then I figured we were just playing like before. I decided to follow you...but I took it too far. I'm sorry. I...I know it's crazy, but I'm falling for you." 

I look at him in shock.

"You...you are?" 

"I know you probably think it's stupid...I guess it is. I'm a married man, but you're the only one I can think about. I can't stop thinking about you." I see the pain on his face, but the hope I see in his eyes travels straight to my heart.