affection

four

sunday

a bird swoops from it's previous spot on the roof, legs stretching out as it launches into flight and lands in a treetop somewhere in the distance. it's wings, coloured different shades of brown, flutter against the early morning breeze.

the branch it lands on gently bounces as it settles, dew from the leaves dropping to the asphalt below.

elliot's eyes glance away from the bird, to kai as he leans in to kiss him goodbye. he finally waves the other away before closing the door.

of course, kai wanted to stay longer, hoping to grab lunch with his boyfriend but his mom blew up his phone asking where he was, he hoped she hadn't noticed his absence last night.

a sudden loneliness hits elliot as he stares at the closed door for a moment, but ignores it with a huff as he makes his way upstairs.

"i'm coming in." he calls out, a statement.

a muffled sound responds, "get out my room."

elliot snorts, rolling his eyes as he walks in. "no, i just got here."

"so? now get out."

he wanders over to jake's bed, dramatically laying down on it with his arms outstretched to resemble a starfish.

he lets his head fall to the side as he studies his brother; headset on, hunched over his pc playing some video games with a few of his friends.

elliot watches him play for a while, before finally remarking, "you suck."

jake takes one earphone off his head, "you literally get stuck on the loading screen."

"don't care, you rank lower than everyone else ever."

"i'm winning. you're stupid." he deadpans, resuming his game.

the pair sit in a comfortable silence for a while, the only sound being jake's occasional yells at his teammates and enemies in game. elliot cracks open a window, before sitting back down on the dark blue bedsheets.

after around an hour, jake swivels around his chair, facing his brother. his headset hangs loosely around his neck and he sighs.

"is mom coming home tonight or tomorrow?"

elliot shrugs, "we'll find out when she gets here."

"i hope it's tonight, i have a test tomorrow, i gotta study."

"you can't study on your own?"

jake gently kicks elliot. "yeah, but it's nicer when she's here to help."

he nods and stands up. "well, hopefully it's tonight then. you wanna get lunch at the new diner across the street?"

"sure," jake shrugs, turning back around to face his screen. "call me when you're about to leave if i'm not down already."

"alright." elliot makes his way back into his own room, sitting up at his desk and checking the clock. almost eleven.

he sighs, his mind circling back to something he has been trying to ignore. but it seems every time he pushes away those thoughts, they come back harsher, more hurtful. he puts two fingers to his temple and again, tries to distract himself but it fails.

he decides finally to retort to his own coping mechanism, one he has had since the death of his brother, one he doesn't like people knowing.

writing letters.

he finds it embarrassing, not just the idea of it, but the actual words on paper. he also doesn't to re-read them, or even look at them. he fears the thought of others reading his letters, they are raw and capture him in his most vulnerable moments. they are for times when something is on his mind so much that he simply needs it out. this is the only way he knows how. 

he leans back, pulling out a small sheet of lined paper. waves of guilt wash over him, he feels as if he's drowning in the currents. he's conflicted, hurt, confused and most of all, guilty.

he grabs a pen from the pot, and begins writing.

you lied to us. to me, to her. what am i supposed to do now? carry your secrets and act as if it isn't eating me alive? to act like this all normal? to pretend i'm not bothered by it? to be honest, i wish i had the guts to send this to you, but it'll join all the other letters i've written, collecting dust, unspoken words; written but never sent.

elliot only realises his hands are shaking when his writing grows messy, dotted with random ink splotches where he's left the pen on paper for too long. the handwriting is inconsistent, sprawled out untidily amongst neater words.

it appears rushed, but only every few lines. the blue ink has bled through onto the table beneath, he wonders if he should've used a black pen instead, then wonders why that would matter.

you made it look so easy...to love somebody else too quickly. is it that easy? thanks to you, i'm afraid i'm lacking trust. what if he turns into you and loves somebody else? i hate you for this, why can't you just fucking fix things. i love you and i hate that i do. i hate it, i hate it, i hate you.

he finally puts his pen down, frustrated and saddened by his own mind and the situation he can't stop thinking about. he folds the letter in half, and puts it into the box along with all the others he's written over the years. he shoves the box back under his bed when he's done, and notices it's already almost midday.

he supposes with his hesitant sentences and a knack of not knowing what to write next, or how to put those thoughts into real words, time seems to have whizzed past faster than he imagined it would.elliot finds himself waiting for his brother by his front door after calling him down to accompany him to lunch.

while waiting, he pulls out his phone, clicking on a contact.

'are you home tonight?' he texts, sending it through in an attempt to clear his mind.

it vibrates with an answer as jake walks down the stairs, and elliot show him the message as they head out the door.

'hopefully.'

...
wc: 1043
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li in his feels

another semi-short chapter, it's a lot easier for me to write, edit and publish than before, so i'll probably stick to updating every few days.