affection

eleven

friday

bursts of orange explode over pinks. red paints the sky and long clouds fade into yellows. the sun sets just below the horizon, where green meets peach. kai stares out the backseat window, elliot had fallen asleep ten minutes after they set off. the beach house isn't far, but not close either. it's outside of town, a thirty five minute drive, and elliot is exhausted. he decided on a powernap to keep him awake throughout the night.

bee has the aux, playing random pop songs that blur together in kai's ears, it's all vague and sounding the same to him. cooper has the wheel, he's the best driver out of the four.

"hey, remember not to drink or smoke too much tonight, you need to be sober enough to drive us back."

cooper laughs, "yeah, yeah."

they finally arrive at the beach house, it's bigger than they thought. kai wakes elliot up, and he is full of energy again as if restored through naps. the group enter the house together, kai half expected teen to be throwing up on the front yard already but it was empty. the music is loud enough to be heard from outside, similar boring pop to kai.

bee wanders off, kai would be concerned for them but they're pretty popular and he's used to this. he watches them immediately find a group of girls to reunite with, they hug and laugh.

cooper, kai and elliot all have a drink in the kitchen, they try talking but the music's too loud and elliot gets bored after he's emptied his cup. he wanders off to find bee, but ends up befriending a random already drunk girl who's hugging bee.

an hour into the party, elliot's hanging out with a small group, bee is nowhere to be seen and kai is high with cooper.

kai drinks more alcohol than he wanted to, his mind keeps trailing back to his family and making his party experience not very fun. he's not sure if it's the alcohol or the weed, but it's ruining his time. he tells himself he's an awful kid, and to stop thinking about this. he ignores himself and weighs out his own problems. he gets into trouble, into detention, into fights. he isn't often home, often high, isn't grateful enough. he caused lots of problems with his selective mutism when he was younger, can barely speak at the table now, can barely speak when anxious, he doesn't like the condescending strangers in his house.

he drinks some more and is reminded of his genes, his mother, he freaks himself out. he watches elliot, who's distracted talking or, shouting at this girl. the walls are starting to spin, they're blurry and it makes him wish he hadn't come tonight.

he finds himself in a bathroom, where the music is muffled and disorientating, he closes the toilet seat after missing it once, his head falls into his hands, elbows on knees. his eyes are shut so tight it stills his mind and he grows nauseous, a feeling he's too familiar with and tears are threatening to fall. he thinks of his mom, he'll turn out like her, a drunk. he'll be naïve and refuse to admit he's drunk, too, he'll be stuck in a cycle. it's his genes, this was all a bad idea and the constant knocking on the bathroom door is making everything worse but he can't open his mouth to shout, go away!

he finally reaches out, he feels dizzy, too dizzy and unlocks the door. a familiar face, layla is standing above him, her features are drawn in an angry expression and she's shouting, but he wasn't listening.

"-just like always, hogging the bathroom."

then she pauses, she takes a good look at him, eyeing him from head to toe. at first, she didn't notice it was him, but when she did, she grew more angry. now, seeing his dishevelled state, her features soften. she frowns at him, his messy hair that's knotted with alcohol, his red puffy eyes from both crying and smoking, the stains of alcohol on his shirt, he looks a mess.

"what's up with you?"

kai shakes his head, but she asks again. he wonders if she's aware of his problem. he shakes his head again, this time she seems to at least half understand as she takes his arm and pulls him outside, through swaying, sweaty bodies. she's right, the cooler air and quieter music helps a lot.

layla sits on the grass, legs crossed and he follows. "a panic attack, probably. i used to get them all the time after my mom passed."

he only nods, slowly.

"we should probably try getting along if our parents are like, together. they seem happy, unlikely to break up for at least a few months." she laughs. he smiles back and nods once more.

she rubs soothing circles on his back, he stares at blades of grass. he pulls out his phone frmo his pocket and opens the notes app.

i fucked up.

"why? and why aren't you speaking?"

drinking, probably. and it's complicated.

"then explain." she says simply, but he wishes it was that simple. did mom or her dad never tell her about him? about his problems? he exhales deeply, but explains anyway, typing again.

i grew up mute, i guess. selective mutism, until i was like 8? and sometimes it just...

she reads over his shoulder, "comes back? is triggered out?"

kai nods.

"did we trigger it? by moving in?"

he returns to his phone. no idea, maybe. it'll go, it always does.

the pair sit in silence, a mutual understanding. he wasn't aware about her mom, and she knew nothing about his reoccurring issue. he watches the stars, checks the time and watches them again. she continues the circles on his back, he breathes deep, then receives a message.

'i hope you;re happy with ger.'

kai frowns, then glances up. he's there for only a second, then he's gone. the rest of the night kai searches for his boyfriend but then he gets another text.

'stop looking for me.'

he laughs at this, and does as told. he hopes he will come to kai, but after half an hour, he gets up and continues looking. he's hurt, he wishes he could see him now.

...
wc: 1067
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omg angst. long chapter for once