I'm Here for You, Always

Chapter 5

After a few nights in the hospital, I'm sent home, with Matt. Although I'm not extremely excited about it, right now, I need someone to take care of me.

"You seem a lot better today, and up n' about, so I guess you can sleep in a bed now," Matt says, sitting next to my feet on the couch. "I would really like that," I say. "Great. So the spare room has a bathroom and a full-size bed. There is no ceiling light so you have to use the lamp on the nightstand. Remember to turn it on before it gets dark so you're not trying to navigate in the dark and trip, ripping your stitches." Matt says. "Okay, that's it."

"Alright. Freedom awaits me." I say, getting off the couch to go to my room, finally. "Wait," Matt says before I can even open the door to my room. "One more thing. No closed or locked doors.."

"You can't be serious?!" I say, frustrated. "Yes I am serious, Izzy. I don't know if I can trust you yet." He says calmly.

Matt's words anger me. I grow hot inside and I feel the skin on my face get warm, and my eyes start to fill with tears.

"What do you mean, you don't trust me? I have done everything you asked. I did the treatment. I let you stick that fricken tube down my nose and be force-fed! What else do I have to do for you to trust me! " I yell. He looks at me with sad eyes.

"I didn't mean to upset you. I just want to make sure you are safe. I know you've done the treatments, and I want to be able to trust you. With things so new, I just need a little bit more from you, in order to really trust you," he says, as if he's trying to calm down a deranged animal.

I can not believe the words that are coming out of his mouth. I stand there, tears flowing from my eyes. I go to sit down on the couch unable to contain my emotions.

"I know, this will be hard at first, but it's only in an effort to make you better, okay?" he says.

"Okay," I answer through a sob. He moves closer to me, enveloping me in his warm, muscular body. His heat makes me feel safe and loved.

I get up once again to go into the spare room, put my hand on the knob, turn it and open the door. The room is plain. The walls are white, the sheets on the bed are white, and the pictures on the wall are drawings of black and white flowers. Matt is not great at decorating so this lack of color and style is expected.

"So what do you think?" he asks as he walks in behind me and puts a warm hand on my shoulder.

"It's plain, but it's good," I say.

"Great!" he says grinning.

"I think I want to go to sleep now. I'm pretty exhausted." I say.

"Okay. Would you like to take a shower?" he asked.

"Um, yeah sure," I say, hesitantly.

"I'll get you a clean towel and washcloth to use." He says. He leaves the room and walks to a small closet. He opens the door and I see shelves with a slew ofwhite towels and washcloths. He takes a towel and a washcloth off of one of the shelves.

"Here you go," he says, handing them to me.

"Thanks," I say. He walks out of the room, and I go to close the door but stop, leaving it slightly cracked.

I walk into the bathroom and start to undress, taking off my pants, shirt, bra, and underwear. I look at my naked body in the full-length mirror, behind the door in the bathroom. I run my finger along the scars on my arms, legs, and face. My fingers trace along the scars made from the stitches I got to close the wounds and the staples that were plunged into my skin to pull the wound edges together. I jump into the shower, turning the water as hot as it can go. I close my eyes and I let the water fall on my face and on my hair, as I run my fingers through it. I stay in the shower until the water is no longer warm and my fingers start to prune. I turn off the water and step out of the shower. I stand in the bathroom for about 10 more minutes.

I think about what Matt had said to me about wanting me to get better. If I was being honest with myself, I liked the way I was and I did not want to get better. There was nothing wrong with me.

"Are you doing okay in there?" Matt asks, knocking on the door lightly. "I'm fine," I reply, a little too loudly. I understand that he wants to make sure that I am okay and that I don't hurt myself, but I'm okay.

I get out of the shower and wrap the white towel around me. I walk out of the bathroom, grab my clothes and walk back into the bathroom. I get dressed in the bathroom, pulling on each pant leg and each sleeve, pulling the shirt over my wet hair.

"Hey, Matt?" I ask as I walk out of the bathroom and into the living room. "Yeah, what's up?" he asks. "Do you have a hairdryer?" I ask. "Um, I think so," he says as he gets up and walks to his room. I hear him fumbling around in the bathroom. He comes out of the room with a hairdryer in his hand. "Here, you go," he says, handing me the hairdryer. "Thanks," I say. I turn to walk to my room with the hairdryer in hand. "Wait, remember, doors open," he says, seriously. I continue walking to my room, leaving the door open behind me when I enter.

I grab the container with my hair products from my patient's belongings bag. I take a little of each in my hands and mix them together, next I put it on each section of my hair. Then I brush the product through each section revealing a smooth, bouncy section of curls. Then I use the hairdryer to lightly dry my curls.

"Here is your hairdryer back," I say walking back into the living room where Matt is sitting on the couch. "And look, I'm still alive too," I say sarcastically. I set the hairdryer on the center table. "Come sit," Matt says softly as he pats the spot next to him on the couch. I reluctantly bring myself to sit next to him.

"Alright," Matt says, taking a deep breath. "I think it's time we talked about us," he says hesitantly.

My mind starts to race. Am I ready for this? Can we be together? Am I even good enough for him?

He takes my hand from my lap and cups it in his. "I know you've been going through a rough time lately and I'm so sorry I didn't even notice until you got into that accident," he says. "It's.." I begin to say, but he continues. "I've been a bad friend, but over these past few weeks, I've come to see you as more than a friend and I think you feel the same way. I think this could turn into something good," he says smiling.

I am shocked. I do have feelings for him, but I'm not sure if I want a serious relationship right now or if I would be able to handle one right now. I take a deep breath.

"I love you, Matt," I say. The words come out of my mouth before I even have a chance to register what I am saying. He flashes his bright smile at me and my face begins to get warm. "I just don't know if I'm ready for a relationship right now. I just have so much stuff going on and I don't want to hurt you" I say. The smile disappears from his face.

"I know and I love you too. I love you too much to not be with you." says.

He smiles, then grabs my waist bringing me close to him, kissing me softly and then more intensely.

###

I lay in my bed staring at the ceiling, smiling so hard my cheeks hurt. I've loved him for so long and finally, I have a chance to be with him in the way that I've always wanted. I'm still worried about how I can make this work without screwing it up as I tend to do with everything. That's what happened with college. I felt like I wasn't good enough and I stopped trying. There is no way I can do that to Matt. He is too amazing to give up on.

The warmth and excitement from the kiss keeps me awake, but I will myself to go to sleep. I have therapy in the morning and I can't miss it.