I'm Here for You, Always

Chapter 6

"Good morning, beautiful!" Matt says as he lightly knocks on the door, pushing it open. He's wearing light blue scrubs which pop against his light brown skin. He holds a glass of water in one hand and a pill bottle in the other. I inhale the smell of eggs, crispy bacon, and sweet syrup. He knows I'm still struggling and I really don't know if I can eat. He's always making food and I feel bad not eating it, but I can barely take a sip of water without the thought: You fat pig. Even seeing Matt come in with the pill bottle and the glass of water is causing me anxiety.

"Good morning, handsome!" I say groggily.

"Morning meds," he says as he taps two pills out of the pill bottle and hands them to me. "Here's some water," he says, handing me the glass.

Matt sits on the bed. I put the pills in my mouth and chug some water down after them. "You fat pig," I hear my mind echoing. 

"So, the first day of therapy is today," he says.

"Yeah," I say.

"How're you feeling about it? Nervous? Excited?"

"Nervous, but I'll be fine."

"Well, it's just the first appointment so if you do like the therapist you can always change. I've got a 12-hour shift in the ED today, but I'll drop you off. Then I scheduled an appointment for you with Josh for a checkup at 12:00." he says.

"Alright, great. My appointment is at 9:00, so I'm going to get ready and meet you in the living room." I say

"Okay," he says, leaning in and kissing me softly.

"Okay, I really have to get ready," I say with a smile.

"Alright. I'm gone," he says as he gets up from the bed and walks out of the room.

I pull on some baggy jeans, an oversized sweater and a pair of long socks. I run into the bathroom to brush my teeth, catching a glimpse of the scars on my face. I grab my phone from my patient's belongings bag. I realize it's dead.

"Hey, Matt?" I say

"Yeah?" he answers.

"Do you have a phone charger I could borrow? My phone's dead."

"Of course! You can charge it in the car," he says as I walk out of my room and into the living room.

Standing in the living room I peer into the kitchen and see all the food that Matt has prepared, I start to panic. I think he sees my face because he rushes over to me and says, "It's okay. I know you're struggling right now. I just wanted you to have options in case you wanted to try to eat something."

I hug him and let my head fall into his chest. His warmth envelopes my frail, skinny body. "Thank you for understanding," I say, and kiss him softly. He smiles.

"Let me put this food away and then we'll be on our way then," he says.

"Okay."

I watch him pull out containers from the cupboard and pack the eggs, pancakes, and bacon into them.

"Alright, let's go!" he says when he has put everything into the fridge.

As we walk to his car all I can think about is this appointment.

Will I have to be hospitalized again? Will I even get along with this therapist?

"So, here you can use this charger," Matt says, handing me the cord connected to his car. "Thanks," I say flatly.

"Is everything alright?" Matt asks as he turns the key in the ignition.

"Yeah. I'm just a little nervous about the appointment. This is my first time in therapy and I don't know what to expect. On top of that, I don't want to be readmitted to the hospital, I've been there too long and too many times. Maybe I just won't go."