instagram * logan paul fanfiction *

life update.

hi everyone. i'm not sure if people still use this app, but i just logged on after a while & i'd just like to tell you all a little bit more about myself.

i started writing this book when i was probably 12. i'm almost 17 now, so i'd say i've changed a little bit ;)

anyways, my life is a lot different from then & now. the summer of 2018 i met the love of my life. & i say that with great confidence. he was my everything from the moment i met him. i was obsessed with him & i just knew i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him.

we didn't start talking until probably december of 2018, & then eventually started dating on february 17, 2019. we spent almost every moment with each other. we knew that what we had was something different. & mind you we were still very young. he was everything i had ever imagined in my future. he treated me like a complete princess, because that's what i was to him.

you know how in elementary school they make you pick three words to describe yourself? well my three words for him would definitely be: selfless, hilarious (!!), & kind. he always tried to put a smile on everybody's face. all he wanted was for everyone to be happy, including me.

throughout the past three years, we had grown up together. he became an adult, graduated, started working, bought a house, a vehicle, & truly figured his life out. i was so proud of how easily he managed his life & how smart he was while doing it. he amazed me.

we had a fallout in june of 2021, & broke up. it was the biggest mistake i had ever made. but, we soon were back together. this time we were on & off. fighting over small & irrelevant things. he had changed as a person while we were apart, & so had i. but, i still knew deep down that he was the person i wanted to spend the rest of my life with. he felt the same way, just a lot of insecurities came out.

after many months of "yes & no's," we were finally back together. on christmas eve, i finally had him back. we were happy again. we had spent the past six months not knowing where we were gonna end up, but got through it. i had spent all of my time with him from december 24th to 30th.

the morning on the 31st, i got a call. they said that he was in a wreck & had passed away. i was broken. i still am broken. i feel that a piece of me is gone & will never return. i had talked to him the night prior, he was hanging out with some friends & he said he would call me & let me know when he was on his way home, so that i could go to his house to spend time with him. i never received that call, but got a message in the morning from him.

the message was from half an hour before he passed. he told me that he loved me, & that he felt so sorry for not calling me the night before. they were at a friends drinking, his phone had died, and just got caught up in the moment.

i want nothing more than to have him back in my arms. i am completely devastated. its not only that i have lost my first love, but i lost my best friend. he was the person i went to for everything, because he always made me feel okay. i have horrible anxiety, and he was the person that made me feel sane. the attacks are bad, but he would sit with me and just hold me until i was better.

it's been a month & it still has not settled in that he is gone. his service was beautiful. so many flowers & pictures. but it all just feels so surreal. my head is filled with memories, but all i can remember is seeing him there. he was wearing the flannel my momma had gotten him for christmas the year prior. surrounded by his favorites things that were going to be buried with him. i got a tattoo in memorial of him on the 26th of january. in his handwriting, it says "I Love You" (picture above) it's from a valentine's day card that he had gotten me last year.

please hold your loved ones close & don't let go. don't take anything for granted, because you truly never know when they might leave you. be grateful for the time you get to spend with one another.

please do not feel sorry for me. i'm truly not trying to make anyone sad, or pity myself. writing helps me put my thoughts into words. it's been my safe place for venting out all of my emotions.

thank you for taking the time to read this, & i truly hope you all have an amazing 2022 <3 also, so sorry that i jump from one thing to the next. just how my brain works, i guess. xx