Right Person, Right Time

01. Duaa

“It would mean so much to me if you would come back Duaa - even if it's for just two days - Please. I am getting married and I am going crazy. I need you. I need my best friend with me  so bad because I don't know how else am I gonna marry without having a heart attack myself. Everything is a chaos. And my mind is a bigger mess. I desperately need my best friend. Duaa, please come home. For me. For Angad. Please”

I sat transfixed, reading the email over and over and over again until my eyes were burning from staring at the screen too long and a tight pressure inside my chest was making it difficult to breathe yet again much to my displeasure - I almost thought I was over this helpless feeling holding me down.

But - they were getting married.

Prerna and Angad were getting married.

I gasped and stood up, shutting the laptop and turning my back to it, counting back from hundred, trying to focus on my breathing and calm my erratically beating heart.

God dammit Duaa - I cursed myself, It's been five damn years.

I always knew this day was coming, didn't I? Two people in love get married - that's how our society works. I knew all of it, I have had nightmares about this day for good two years but now that it was actually here, it still hurt more than I thought it would.

Struggling to find a grip, I walked to the kitchen of my studio apartment and got myself a glass of water before walking over to the balcony. It was dusk - the sun was bidding goodbye for the day.

About time, my feelings did too.

New York had beautiful sunsets - one of my favorite thing about this city but sunsets always reminded me of endings. Every day would finally end - good or bad. Everything eventually ends. That thought made me sigh and I closed my eyes taking in another deep breath because it was time to accept this end too.

This was the closure I needed, I told myself in my head - that tiny ray of hope I didn't realize I was still holding on to was gone now and I needed to let go of my feelings for my best friend - Ex Best friend because well, you can't call someone you cut out of your life for five years your best friend anymore and that was on me, completely.

Did I ever think I would find myself in the middle of a love triangle with two of my favorite people on earth?

Of course not.

But then, when had my life ever worked in my favor? I was confident my stars were aligned in a way that loved making me struggle and suffer for everything - especially love - almost as if someone up there is reading a book titled 100 ways to  Fuck up Duaa's life - Ha!

Prerna's email made its way back to my conscience again and I exhaled, opening my eyes and leaning on the balcony, as the words rang in my ears. In all of the last five years, Prerna had never given up on me. She had texted me, sent me birthday gifts overseas and wished me for every festival and occasion, irrespective of if or not I returned the favor. I did reply to her emails - rarely but I did, yet it didn't stop her from making an effort throughout. And she had never held me accountable for any expectation before today - before this mail. Her wedding invite.

And if I didn't know well enough, the email would have sounded like a cry of anxiety to me, I swear for two seconds I felt like Prerna wasn't getting married to Angad - the love of her life, but someone else. But then she mentioned his name and that doubt vanished - I unconsciously smiled because keeping my feelings aside, my logical brain knew they were perfect for each other and neck deep in love. I had seen it myself, so many times.

Years ago, that was how I had convinced myself to leave, because irrespective of how much fiction had romanticize love triangles, it's not a triangle in the first place when two people love each other. The third person is the mess in that dynamic and that mess needs to step back, and for us, it was me. I had to step back, even though I never had actually taken that step ahead.