Unforgotten Feelings

Chapter Three

"Yell, please.. you need to go home,"

Worry and exhaustion was written all over my brother's face. He entered inside the mausoleum still wearing his office suit. I don't even remember when was the time that lines first appear on his then smooth forehead. A reminder of how many years I've felt I missed. I just watch his every move as he loosen his dark blue necktie,take his coat off before placing it on my bare shoulder and then sat beside me.

Hindi ko siya pinansin at ipinagpatuloy ko na lang ang pagtanaw sa mga dahong nagsisiliparan sa malapad na damuhan sa labas ng libingan ni daddy. I'm satisfied that we made a special mausoleum for him where we can stay for long when we came to visit. It was also maintained and cleaned because no fog or dust was seen on the glass walls and other things inside.

"You look so tired, why don't know go home. I'm fine here," I finally said while laying sideways to avoid him.

I heard him sigh before he replied, "Mom is worried sick, hindi niya na alam kung paano ka niya kukumbinsihing umuwi."

Mom came and go since she drove me here. Brought me food and tried and tried to convince me to go home but I don't feel like going home. I don't know why but I felt like I don't have any reason too. Siguro dahil sa hindi maubos-ubos na luhang lumalabas sa mata ko mula pa ng malaman ko ang pagkamatay ni dad o dahil tuwing saan ako tumingin ay puro pagpapa alala lang ng maraming taon sa buhay ko ang hindi ko maalala.

"Yell, I know that what you're going through is hard but please find a reason to move forward. This is not you, Yellena my sister is the toughest shit i'd ever handled since dad passed away, right dad?" I can sense pain on his chuckle while talking to dad.

I caress dad's gravestone, "I don't even know who I am anymore kuya, It felt like you are talking about someone else." I told him honestly. "My room was lively the way I remember it but when I woke up it was the dullest and most boring room I've ever seen. My clothes was also not my style the way I remember it. I sleep dreaming about owning a restaurant but you told me that I'm working on our company when I dropped out because I can't take culinary seriously." Hindi ko na naman maiwasang umiyak dahil sa mga sinabi nila tungkol sa buhay ko. "I don't even know if my last memory was real or my mind just made it up.. I sleep peacefully after dad's goodnight kiss that night.. He knew I-i was just faking sleep beacuse I'm upset that night and I ignored him. I ignored him! and now I woke up to see him burried here," binayo ko na naman ang aking dibdib dahil sa bigat nito. "This is too much! this is cruel! I shoul've just died during the surgery!.."

I felt my brother's embrace as I choke on my sob. Dad... If I can hug and talk to him again. I should've never ignored him that night...

Hindi ko alam kong ilan pang balde ng luha ang iiyakin ko para lang maubos lahat ng bigat na nararamdaman ko. Gusto ko na lang mabaliw. It was like God is punishing me for being excited as an adult. He shove me here to let me know that I will never be prepared for the future...

"If this was a dream! then please wake me up already!" I scream on top of my lungs to give all my strength. I want all of this to be gone already. the pain, anxiety, confusion, fear and longing..

This is not the future I'm hoping..

"Hang in there bunso, you'll get through this.. you always do, We got through this the first time, I saw it myself, I believe in you.. you'll get through this again,"

It was the last thing I heard from my brother before an excruciating pain rush through my head and everything went blank.

                       
***

Hindi ko alam kong ilang oras o araw akong natulog dahil pagkagising ko ay nasa kwarto ko na naman ako. My new room, I was hoping to wake up in my mess room full of poster room but who am I kidding? everything is not a dream.