Skydiving Without A Parachute (Stefanielle)

Chapter One: Mystery Of Love

I'm too afraid to say this out loud so I'm writing it down, even though writing it is pretty scary as well. 

I think I have feelings for someone. 

I say think, but I know I do because they're on my mind quite often. 

I say often, I mean all of the time. 

And that's not even an exaggeration. Sitting in class, sitting in my room, sitting in the car as mom talks about family back in Italy. 

I think about a lot of things.  I think about telling them how I feel, but I don't think I would ever actually be able to. I think about holding hands and going to get milkshakes from McDonald's and I think about listening to Taylor Swift as we kiss. 

That's how I know that I know I have feelings. 

Denial is a strong force though. I don't want to make this about my own inner turmoil, but hating myself was seeming to consume me. One thing after the other. 

It's kind of calming to think about them, however, I'm not sure if my made-up scenarios help me to fall asleep or keep me up for longer. Maybe I will even start writing all of my daydreams in here and just make sure I never lose this book ever. 

But maybe I won't even write in it for much longer. Who knows. 

Although I most likely will because I'm kind of realising what real feelings feel like and I kind of feel sick thinking about it, but the thought of sitting next to them in English class and maybe saying something to make them laugh sounds kind of great. Or wonderful even. 

Sometimes, I need to fight the urge to write their initials on my hand with a little heart next to them. 

(DS <3)

The only thing is that I'm not quite sure when all of these feelings started. As I said, denial is a strong force. There's been a lot of staring at myself in the mirror trying to pinpoint exactly what was wrong with me. But then if I stared for long enough, I would imagine them standing next to me and hugging me and I could take a picture and post it on Snapchat.

Feelings are weird. 

Honestly, how can one human make my heart do cartwheels just because they walk past me in the hallway? Or because I know I have English class, I'll put in a little bit more effort so maybe they will notice. Someone mentions their name and I suddenly become invested in the conversation or at least listen a little bit more. 

I've even just become more observant. Only to them though. I know what ring goes on which finger and the bracelet that is always on the left wrist and the tendency to draw in class instead of taking notes. And candy. I would buy candy every day for them. 

It's weird that I feel nervous as I write this. This feels like acceptance because then it's written and anyone can read it. 

And I think I still feel guilty. 

Because I was a bitch to her when she came out and now I think I'd hand over my heart if she asked for it. 

This is the only thing about writing with a pen and paper. I want this to be neat but I also just want to scribble all over the page because my heart is pounding against my chest and it makes me just feel things that I still feel like I shouldn't be feeling. I don't even know if that makes sense. 

But now I can just write and write and write about her and read it back and hopefully, I won't forget the little moments that consume my thoughts. She'll be kind of immortalised in these pages.

I don't have that exact moment when I started to look at her differently, though. It just happened. I'm sure she's always been beautiful, but I started to notice it. Really notice it. 

The colour of her eyes and the way she smiles and laughs and how she plays with her hair. English class just gives me the time to notice even more things. 

And yet I was such a bitch at the beginning of it all. Which is why I was in denial for so long. Maybe I still am, I don't know. Maybe I'm just jealous. She knows who she is and people know who she is but I don't know who I am and I could never tell anyone. 

But I see her tomorrow and it's all I'm going to think about until the time comes. 

I keep trying to think of a way to describe exactly how I feel, but it's difficult. I feel kind of scared, I feel like this is something amazing, I feel like I'm falling. Sort of like I'm skydiving. I've never skydived before, but I think that's how I feel. 

Like I'm skydiving without a parachute.

Songs That Remind Me Of Her: 

- Enchanted by Taylor Swift

- Obvious by CHPTRS

- Mystery of Love by Sufjan Stevens