Skydiving Without A Parachute (Stefanielle)

Chapter Five: 24/7

I got to spend a lot of time with her today. It was probably all in my head but we seemed to get on more than usual. We were laughing more and touching more, but just like in an innocent sort of way. We were sitting next to each other and kept knocking our legs together and acting like little kids poking each other. 

I kept making her laugh and it was just... great.

Even as we were sitting, we were facing each other and always glancing up and playing with the blu tac to create stupid little figures that we'd destroy and try not to laugh too loudly at.

I made a little angel and she made a little devil. 

I think my legs became kind of weak when I stood up and she looked up and smiled at me with her perfect smile and bright eyes. I wanted to grab her and kiss her.

But I didn't.

I settled for thinking and thinking and thinking.

I could have leaned down and kissed her. Or she could have stood up. Or we would meet somewhere in the middle.

Either way, it would be bliss and I would become weak in the knees again because we'd pull away and she'd just be so close to me. So close that I would have to kiss her again.

I don't know what the exact dynamic is between us right now, but I like it. It's enough to make my endless daydreams feel like they're not stupid.

She tapped the back of my hand at one point and I wish I turned my hand over and grabbed hold of hers, just to know what it feels like. It's such a simple thing. But I want to know what it's like to hold her hand.

Hold her hand and kiss her. It's driving me crazy.

I almost asked her if she wanted to hang out, but I figured that might be a bit too much. Along with the fact that the words were quite literally stuck in my throat.

At one point, she said that she was hot, that she felt hot and I wanted to say that in general, she is hot. But hot also seems like a bit of an understatement. Or not enough?

She's hot, but she's also smart and pretty and funny and insightful and talented and I just want to learn everything there is to learn about her.

I know some things. She has an older sister and a dog and her parents are divorced but she still sees both of them and calls her mom's house home. She likes Taylor Swift and she likes to draw and is quite creative. I also know that she is so much more deserving than the things that have been said to her.

I wish I could take it all back.

I actually saw this thing on TikTok, and it's so stupid and most likely written by some random kid, but there were a bunch of initials and what they mean to each other and D + S are meant to be.

But then I've also seen videos saying that our star signs are compatible, are not compatible, somewhere in between.

I just like to think that at some point, we are something. Will be something? 

It's weird how everything that I do, I think about doing it with her. Or think about if she would like it or if I posted it on Snapchat, would it make her reply? And then we could have a conversation that I would then read back to myself over and over because there's just this happiness that comes from knowing that I've had at least some of her attention. 

I don't know. Maybe I'm overthinking this too much. I already know that I think about her too much and I'm going to think about this day too much. 

If I feel this way simply from a few touches and some moments of laughter, just imagine how I would feel if I ever kissed her. 

She's made me change from someone who sometimes dreaded the thought of getting out of bed in the morning, to someone who wants to be better because she might see. Which is crazy. She has no idea that I  try to make myself a better person for her. She has no idea that I would do anything for her. Anything to make her smile. Anything to make sure she knows that she is beautiful. 

I thought about leaving a note for her again. I can just write that she looks pretty today and she'll find it and hopefully smile. 

Jaina and Barrett were asking me if I finally have a crush yet, and I said no. A bit too fast maybe. I haven't fully accepted how I feel. I think that's the issue. I have, but not in terms of other people. 

I just wish that someone else knew so that I could tell them how much of a good day today was and how my heart just whispers her name. I also know that my friends would laugh if they read this. 

I shouldn't feel embarrassed though. 

Yet the things that I think about saying to her, I can't even make myself whisper when I'm alone in my room at night. 

I just dream about her.

Songs That Remind Me Of Her:

- Stone by Alessia Cara 

- the 1 by Taylor Swift

- 24/7 by Celina Sharma, Harris J