Skydiving Without A Parachute (Stefanielle)

Chapter Three: Ivy

We're working together on a project. A partner project so it's just us two which means we'll have to spend time together outside of class. She gave me her Snapchat so we can discuss things, so that's good.

When our names were called out together, I'm pretty sure my heart did that thing where it does a backflip. I did my best at pretending that I wasn't screaming inside but my foot was tapping really fast under the desk.

This just means six weeks of an excuse to talk to her.

But maybe this will be dangerous because my feelings might get to the point of not being able to keep it in anymore. What if we do some work at my house and then all I'll be able to think about is closing my bedroom door and kissing her?

Or in the library, we have to be quiet so we'd probably be quite close and whisper to each other.

I can imagine leaning in.

I can picture it all too clearly and I think that's what is dangerous because the likelihood of anything happening is slim to none.

And I'll end up breaking my own heart but maybe that's just karma because I probably made her feel like shit.

I would do anything to make her smile now. It's like there are healing properties in her smile. So bright. I just want to grab her and kiss her.

I haven't told anyone though. I'm not sure if I can. Jaina and Barrett laughed when I said I was paired up with her for this project and they said they felt sorry for me.

I wonder if they'd hate me too if I ever told them how I feel.

If I told them that I look at this girl like she hung the moon, they'd shun me immediately. I just know it. If I told them that I feel like every love song was written about her for me, they'd call me crazy. Probably words worse than crazy.

I just can't help how I feel and it took a while to accept that this is how I feel and I don't want to tell anyone because they'll make me feel wrong again.

And I don't want to need to explain myself because I've spent enough nights staring up at my ceiling listening to those love songs and wondering why they all remind me of her.

I still can't believe we got partnered up together. It's like fate or something.

The only thing is trying to stay calm around her. We sit near each other in English class anyway so sometimes we speak to each other, but my heart feels like one continuous beat when that happens. I don't know how I'll get through an hour of just her and me.

I wonder how she feels about working with me. I wonder if she's dreading it. I hope not. I've never actually apologised. 

This kind of sounds like a typical teenage romance movie. The bully was actually in love the entire time. 

Not that I'm in love. 

And maybe bully is not the right word. I was mean. The things I would do to take it all back. 

I probably have just messed this up for myself already. She'll probably think I'm pranking her if I even dared to hint at my feelings. I used to make it a known thing that I would run away from her if she came near me. 

I was a bitch. But so was Jaina and Barrett so I never really felt bad because we were all doing it. And then other people did it because Jaina has this popular girl status at school. 

Now, I want to run to her. Crazy how things change. 

I watched her Snap story when I got home from school, and it was pretty generic but it's interesting because I'm somehow romanticising Snapchat now. This is kind of like what she sees. This is her life. And I'm not really part of it but I can see it. 

I see what the sky looks like for her at seven in the morning, and I can tell how she feels about Spanish by the one emoji that she put and she has a really cute dog that runs around like crazy. It was just a video of her hyperactive dog, but I think I watched it about sixteen times because she was laughing in the background and the sound of her laugh makes me feel like roses are growing on my heart.

That doesn't even make sense. 

Roses are a symbol of love and they are on my heart because of her. It makes sense to me. And no one else will read this so it's fine. 

Songs That Remind Me Of Her: 

- Illicit Affairs by Taylor Swift

- Video Games by The Young Professionals

- Ivy by Frank Ocean