The War Of Two Turnips And A Cucumber [ONC 2022]

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Hands rolling against the crackling newspaper, Humphrey stopped outside the house of Cornelius Haughton and not for the first time. He had spoken to Cornelius, more than several times, almost become overwhelmed by anger, at least three times, to the point where he had very nearly raised his voice. Or tutted.

If that had happened, the entire fabric of the village may as well have unwound and collapsed about him. Anger, in this situation, helped no-one. Least of all against Cornelius, who had the vast and unquenchable ability to shrug away anything and everything if it did not meet with his own personal views on, well, anything.

Cornelius was, to put it mildly, headstrong. Bullish was another word that could describe him. Stubborn. Arrogant. Verbally aggressive. All very appropriate and descriptive terms for the man. Humphrey preferred 'idiot' in his quiet moments far away from the delicate sensibilities of other villagers. He even tried not to say it out loud in front of his cats who were, he often thought, far too judgmental for ersatz family members.

He felt his eye twitch and reached up a hand to stop it.

Turning away, he decided not to knock on Cornelius' door and try, once again, to talk some sense into the man. Sense that Cornelius had no more need for than the village stream needed a ferry. He thought better of it, but then found himself turning back, before turning to walk away again. By the time he had finished, he had caught himself in quite the tiz and had become more than a little dizzy.

That dizziness didn't help when he almost barrelled into the old woman that had simply appeared from nowhere with no regard for giving people a heads-up or warning of any kind. It didn't help, of course, that she stood a good head and shoulders shorter than himself. This was difficult, as Humphrey could not, under any circumstances, be ever called a tall man. Or large in any way. The woman, for all her obstructive qualities, stood far shorter still than he.

And she didn't move. At least, she didn't move until Humphrey attempted to move, at which point, she moved too. In the same direction. Causing them both to pause, apologise, and then attempt to move once more. Only for them both to mirror each others' movements and find themselves facing each other again. More apologies passed between them and, several mirrored sidesteps later, Humphrey found himself becoming a little miffed.

He laughed, throwing his head back, tapping his leg with the rolled-up newspaper, and then tried to slip by the woman while she smothered a little laugh of her own. When she, once again, infuriatingly, matched his movement, Humphrey almost growled to himself. Except, now the woman stood upon her tip-toes and glared right into his eyes. That made him feel far, far less comfortable than he could ever feel happy with.

"I know what you need to do." She squinted as she spoke, giving a very serious, knowing nod towards him before looking away to the side. Towards Cornelius' house and the offending items. "If tha likes, I can tell you. If'n tha cross me palm with silver. Or a note. I'm not fussy."

"Madam! I am hardly in the habit of crossing the palms of vagabonds and wanderers with silver or any other substance!" He gave the edges of his herringbone waistcoat a sharp tug, almost dropping his newspaper. "Now, if you'd be so kind as to step to the right, I shall step to the left and we can both be on our ways."

"Vagabonds and wanderers? I can't say as I'm either of those." She moved in front of him again as he stepped to the left, clearly and defiantly ignoring his instructions. "Though I have seen me fair share of places and folks as needs me personal attention. What does tha say? Fiver'll get thee the answers tha needs."

With a stroke of genius, Humphrey made a tactical manoeuvre worthy of Montgomery, spinning on his heel and proceeding to walk back the way he had come, passing Cornelius' house once more, replete with items that Humphrey wished he didn't have to see every single day. A dog barked in the distance, catching his attention and he made a mental note to have the committee vote on whether to enlarge all the "Dog's must be kept on a leash at all times!" signs, spotted around the village.