Whatever!

whatever! part 3

and now...

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Peter OToole

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.

Robert Frost

Why did God create men? Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

Madonna

To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior'.

Rita Rudner

This guy says, 'I'm perfect for you, because I'm a cross between a macho and a sensitive man.'

I said, 'Oh, a gay trucker?'

Judy Tenuta

Women speak because they wish to speak, whereas a man speaks only when driven to speech by something outside himself -- like, for instance, he can't find any clean socks.

Jean Kerr

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.

Tim Allen

Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried.

Mae West

Knowledge speaks, but wisdom listens.

Jimi Hendrix

Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

Charlotte Whitton 

The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.

Robert Frost

It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.

Muhammad Ali

I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

Jerome K Jerome 

Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished.

Leslie Nielsen

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

Tom Clancy

I never know what I think about something until I read what I've written on it.

William Faulkner

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.

Steve Martin

I have always been a huge admirer of my own work. I'm one of the funniest and most entertaining writers I know.

Mel Brooks

It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.

Robert Benchley 

A writer is congenitally unable to tell the truth and that is why we call what he writes fiction.

William Faulkner

The free-lance writer is the person who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.

Robert Benchley 

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.

H. L. Mencken

Run for office? No. I've slept with too many women, I've done too many drugs, and I've been to too many parties.

George Clooney

Today, the L.A. Times accused Arnold Schwarzenegger of groping six women. I'm telling you, this guy is presidential material.

Dave Letterman

Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.

P. J. ORourke

Politics is perhaps the only profession for which no preparation is thought necessary.

Robert Louis Stevenson

Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book.

Ronald Reagan 

Two zebras are talking and one asks the other, "Am I black with white 

stripes or white with black stripes?" The other replies, "Well I don't 

know. You should pray to God about that and ask him." So that night he did 

and God replied, "You are what you are." The next day he said to the other 

zebra, "I still don't understand what I am because God just said, You are 

what you are." The second zebra responds, "You must be white with black 

stripes or else God would have said, Yo is what yo is." 

top ten tips to know if you have PMS 

10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

9. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet

8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

6. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT."

5. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

4. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

3. You're counting down the days until menopause.

2. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

1. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday. 

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self- pitying.

She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me.. the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."