Tenderness of his hug

Chapter 2

Chewing away at the skin around his thumb. Karl sat on the edge of the bed watching his boyfriend, he didn't really know what to do but that was fine. After last week's silent treatment it was hard pulling himself out of that depressive state. It had been over a year since it got that bad. The guilt of it all weighs on him, still feeling like it was his fault.

Sapnap was unbelievably patient with him.

"Do you want purple or blue today?"

His kind smile making Karl feel a sense of shame again. The shame combating the warmth sapnap made him feel. Watching the love of his life sit crossed legged on the floor, going through scattered clothes on the ground of their shared bedroom. Karl's safe space. Clothes Karl couldn't make himself pick up or choose from. Before sapnap had come he was sitting there for an hour staring at his sweaters. Wondering which one made him seem more put together.

"Baby?"

"I'm sorry." Karl took a deep breath in. Rubbing his hands on the pj pants that covered his legs. "I'm sorry." Feeling his eyes start to water, feeling his chest cave in a little more, feeling that never ending pain again. His throat felt like it was closing up as he tried to breathe. Unable and grasping for any ounce of oxygen.

"Hey no. No no my love." Sapnap dropped the hoodies. "You're okay. You're alright."

In seconds the other man was next to him. Karl covered his eyes as he tried to wipe away the tears that begged to spill. They stopped a few days ago but it was getting bad again. Sapnap was understanding and knew these rough patches happened. Putting his arm around Karl while he rubbed his back.

"Do you wanna just lay down for a bit? I can tell Jimmy you're not feeling well."

A hiccup escaped his lips. Ragged breaths shaking through his body, attempting to get this under control. "I have to go."

Shaking his head before placing a soft kiss on the soft waves that covered the poor brain of Karl. "Baby you're not okay right now. He'll understand."

"I'm a bad friend." Covering his face as it came up again. The same choking feeling sat at the back of his throat, like if he had swallowed a pill without water. "I cancelled yesterday too. He needs me and I can't go."

For Karl it was always easier to beat himself up instead of admit it was the chemicals that were off right now. He knew he couldn't help it, he knew there was nothing wrong with having these emotions. Nonetheless, he still put all the blame on himself. He often confused taking responsibility with self hatred.

"My love." He mumbled. "You are not a bad friend." Pushing some hair behind his head, sapnaps hug became a little tighter. "What did doctor Glenn say yesterday?"

Peeking his head out. Karl just stared at him, he hated saying it. The heavy feeling never left but he knew the doctor was right. He was a doctor after all. It would be odd if he didn't trust him.

"Your brain is an organ. Like anything else it needs rest and care when sick."

"Exactly."

Sighing, his words muffled by the hoodie he was wearing. "I have to go to work."

"Jimmy will survive without you for another day."

Sapnap wasn't taking no for an answer. Instead he stood up, pulling the blankets back on their messy bed. Motioning for his boyfriend to get under the big white comforter. The two looked at each other for a few moments before the sad boy caved. Getting under and letting sapnap turn on the tv, taking a second to go through Karl's subscriptions. If anything made him feel better it was his friends, watching them succeed and thrive in their posts.