Spying On Me

〖 sᴏ ᴄʟᴏsᴇ 〗

"Aka..." I quiet myself, blowing air into my cheeks I let out a breath of air, I need to do this the right way. "Karma." My voice trembles. I shake my head again and brace my hands on either side of the sink. "Karma," this time it comes out as a reassurance.

"Akabane Karma." I say again, "Karma Akabane."

Once I'm sure I know what I want to say, once I have that comfort, I reach for my bag and head out the door and down the road to school.

The first school exam is coming up and I haven't seen much of Kar... Karm..a. I'm still trying to get used to saying his name. It's a kind of hard, breaking routine like it's nothing. But that's what I've been doing lately, breaking all my rules, destroying all my walls.

Last week was something unexpected, I didn't mean to kiss him, did he mean to kiss me? Was that his first kiss? It was mine. How does he feel about me? About our kiss. What's he doing right now? Is he on his way to school like I am?

All weekend, I couldn't even study to take my mind off the subject. I mean I'm not myself anymore, but come on! I can't even come up with a metaphor for how I'm feeling. It's all so frustrating. I want to talk to him, I want him to listen to what I have to say and I want to figure out what it is we've been doing, to ourselves and each other. Ever since that day I met him in front of 3-E, no. That's right, I met him long before that, didn't I? I know I did.

I met him when I first found out his name, I met him when I befriended Shiota and when I learned his personality when I figured out we were playing a game of Cat and Mouse. I met him again when he came out of the forest and again when Asano cut all ties with me and gave him my picture. I met him when our lips brushed in class when we spray-painted the interior of the main building, when he made me think I'd lost track of him and when he scared the hell out of me and when he got me to call him by his damn first name!

When he laughed because I had gotten embarrassed because I thought he was going to kiss me, and when he walked me home when he pushed me against that fence when we finally kissed and the realization that my world had been shattered, but it was okay because a new one had been made.

I've met him over and over again without realizing, without understanding. I can't believe myself, I almost walked past the hill and turned the corner where the main building was because I was in such a daze. The day after we had our fun in the lunchroom, last Friday, the school said some high school students had broken in and thought it would be fun to ransack the place was a story, I knew because Asano contacted me via Araki Teppei saying he was covering for me just this once and won't ever do it again so I should watch 'him' (whatever that meant), kind of made me think back to my name scribbled on his desk. Maybe Asano did care a little about me, I mean we've practically been joined at the hip in a way for over 2 years.

"A penny for you're thoughts?" I gasped and turned to see Shiota, his dazzling smile that could kill millions.

"Sure, let's walk." He nodded and we began walking up the hill.

"So, what's tangled in there." He pointed toward his head.

"Karmm-ma." I force out.

"Woah, you used his first name!"

"It's not the end of the world," I mumble.

"Well, don't let him hear you, his ego with overload the world before Koro-sensei has a chance to destroy it." I laugh at that because it was pretty accurate.

"I just really need to talk to him."

Shiota hummed, then looked back at me when we approached the doors, "you need to talk to him or you want to?"

"What kind of question is that?"

Shiota pursed his lips, "if anyone knows anything about being blind, it's me." Then he walked inside and said hi to Suginoa and the others.

I walked in as well, still confused. I met Karm-a at the back, hey I think I'm getting the hang of it. I smile a little to myself and try to unhash what Shiota had said, do I want to talk to him? Is it a need to talk to Karma?

I look over, his aura seemed normal, like last Friday, he didn't bring up the kiss or what he'd said. He stared at a game on his phone before looking up and meeting my gaze. His smile was lazy, but somehow I saw right through it.

"Hey," I said.

"Hey," he responded.

God this was awkward, what do we do now? "I wanted to talk to you about something." He shifted in his seat. I nodded, turning my body to the side to give him my full attention. "Not now," he whispered, "late, during lunch, come to the clearing."

"Oh, okay. Sure." Right, of course. What would he want to talk about though? My hands are shaking, screw that my entire body is freaking shaking. What is this new feeling? This isn't like before, my stomach has dropped down to my feet, I don't feel like throwing up, but I do feel... anxious? Is that what I'm feeling? Am I actually nervous? To talk with Aka-Karma? What in the hell is wrong with me?

I'm straight-up losing it. Get a grip Y/n! Hold onto yourself, what little there's let at least. Inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale, inhale, and prepare yourself because you're about to walk into enemy territory without any weapons with your hands up surrendering yourself, and you could die.