March 10 2019
Lately , I've not been able to write as much as I thought I would, always procrastinating because of the various pitfalls that have happened over the past few months. My ACL has got so much better , but it is not completely healed yet, still swollen , it still incredibly hurts when standing for long periods of time or just after doing some vigorous activity , and to be honest I've just lost hope that it's ever going to heal. I clearly remember the surgeon saying when I got my MRI scan results back , last year that it's ok to have an ACL. People with an ACL can continue living normal lives. She was wrong. As if she knew what that meant when she hadn't lived through it. I have , and I would go back and wish it never happened. The whole frisbee incident. I wish I could turn back time with a click of my fingers , but I can't . And that's left me feeling shattered. I used to be so optimistic until a few months ago, when I've prayed and prayed for my pain to vanish into thin air, but it hasn't happened. However , this experience has made me so much stronger and more sympathetic towards people. But at the same time, it's made me realise how things shouldn't be taken for granted. I never expected I would find myself through another hurdle though. It all started in the Christmas holidays. The joy disappeared when I had nerve pain surging through both of my knees. Totally unexpected and over those two weeks , the pain grew, intensified , until I couldn't take it any more . Questions bombarding my mind, I was angry and upset at everything, including God , but he clearly wasn't to blame for it as I understand now. Over these past few months since the nerve pain , I've tried everything from exercise to RICE to a healthier diet but nothing has worked. I'm grateful that the nerve pain has decreased , but alarmingly it has spread to other parts of my body, my legs , hands , and parts of my face , back and my neck. It's horribly excruciating , and I wouldn't want anyone to go through it. Hand on my heart, it's even worse than my ACL. It's not just my pain which has left me feeling so unsure of my capabilities lately, but it's also my grades. My grades have slipped into rock bottom and I just want to emerge from the depths and just be normal. Positive, hopeful and be me. I know I am capable of more than just this , I know I can do better, I can excel. I just have to prove it.
