wish I didn't doubt it

one: the coffee shop

I know my life is okay. For what I've gone through, what I'm doing now is considered great.
Sure, I can do better, but really, do I want to? I have a decent job. Decent pay, and I get weekends off. I'm writing again, and drawing. I'm taking my medication, I'm going to my therapy. I'm talking to my friends. Hell, right now? I'm living my best life.
I should feel fulfilled.
I am fulfilled.
I am.... fulfilled?
-
It's Saturday. Saturdays are special. Why? Because I get to see her. Maria. Maria Hill, my best friend. My partner in crime, my everything. Every Saturday, Maria flies in from wherever she's stationed (right now, she's in New York), and we go out. We've done this ever since I moved to Russia, and today was no different.
We agreed to meet up at a coffee shop down the street from my apartment, Кофемания (coffeemania). Russian wasn't a hard language for me, since I grew up here in Russia. And, I had been exposed to it my entire life. Or, at least, the life I could remember.
It was cold out, which made sense, with it being late November. Snow blanketed the ground and decorated the trees. I had to wear my more warmer clothing today, but that's okay. Soon enough, I'll be in one of my favorite places, drinking coffee and talking to my favorite person. I left my apartment, saying goodbye to my cat, Oil, on the way out. I made sure to lock the door, and soon I was walking down the street. I didn't need to take my car, I could walk. And, there's something charming about walking in the snow. Maybe that's just me.
I kept a steady pace, checking for cars and mostly avoiding people. Then again, there weren't much people to avoid, so that made me feel calmer. Soon enough, I was in Кофемания, and I walked in. I was greeted, and taken to a booth near the widow. Just how I liked. I sat, taking my coat off and checking my watch. It was currently 12:54, so I was about 6 minutes early. That's okay. I would be able to order for me and Maria, and the coffee would be here when she got here. Unless she got here late.
But, that's okay. I didn't mind waiting.
I soon ordered my coffee, and I got some tea for Maria. I knew what she liked. Unless it changed.
No, she still likes tea.
She still likes tea, right?
...
Yeah. She still likes tea. I need to stop overthinking stuff like that.
I pull out my phone, and send a quick text to Maria, telling her that I was at the coffee shop, and that I had ordered her some tea. She was quick to reply, thanking me for ordering ahead of time.
She didn't say anything about the tea. So she must still like tea. That's good.
I open up an E-book on my phone- War of the Worlds by H.G Wells- and I read. It's not long before someone joins me at my booth, and I take my eyes off my phone to find Maria. I smile.
"Hey." I say, putting my phone down. Maria smiled back, putting her bag down next to her on the booth.
"Hi. Sorry, I'm a couple minutes late." She said, and I chuckled. "Maybe one or two. You don't have to be sorry." I say, and just then the waitress from earlier comes with my coffee and Maria's tea. I thank her in Russian, and Maria nods.
"You still like Chai tea, right?" I say, grabbing my coffee and blowing on it to cool it. Maria smiled and nods. "Of course. Thank you." She says, and I sigh internally. Good. Now I don't have to worry, next time.
"So, Lilith, how have you been?" Maria says, and I shrug. "I'm alright. I've been doing better at taking my medicine." I say, taking a sip of my coffee, which was still hot, so it slightly burned my tongue, but that's okay.
"How about you?" I ask. Maria smiles. "I got extra time off this week. Fury figured I deserve it, which doesn't sound like him, but yeah. I can stay longer, rather then leaving in just a few hours." She says, and my eyebrows furrowed. "Fury gave you extra time off?" I ask, and Maria nods. "Huh. Well, no complaints here." I say, and Maria laughs. A temporary silence falls, until Maria says, "You said you were getting better at taking your medicine?" I look at her, then my eyes fall down to my coffee. "Yeah. I mean, my therapist as been down my neck about it, so I sorta had to get better about it." I say, and Maria frowns. "I'm glad you're taking it, but you shouldn't need to do it just because your therapist told you to do so." She says. I sigh. I know that. I know I need to start doing things for myself, rather then for others.
But it still hurts when it's told directly to me.
"I know." I say, and Maria sighs, saying, "But, either way, I'm glad you're getting better." She says, and I laugh.
"You're just glad you don't have to care for me anymore." Maria laughs. "No, that's not true, you know it." She says, and I shrug, drinking my coffee. "Maybe. Maybe not." I say. I knew that she cared. I knew she didn't mind at all that I took a bit to open up.
It's still funny to get under her skin about, though.
"Lilith, I care and you know that." She says, a little more bold that I expected. I smile at her. "I know, I'm just joking." I say, and she sighs. "Good."
Maria Hill. My best friend. The one person who didn't leave. The good influence in my life.
I love her. So much. I'm so glad she didn't leave like everyone else.
Who was everyone else?
How would I know. Everyone else could just be one person.
That wouldn't be the case, right? How would one person be the cause of all the pain I go through? Of all the pain I went through?
No, that wouldn't be right.
...
Right?
-
Maria and I finish up our drinks, and soon, we're driving. I told her I wanted to take her to Библио Глобус (Biblio Globus), which was a bookstore I lived close to.
Not close enough to walk, unfortunately. But, besides, it's cold. Maria agreed to the idea, and we were talking in the car, until I pulled up into the parking lot, and we got out. We go in, being greeted.
Wow. It's almost empty in here.
Weird. This place is mostly almost full.
It's weird what the weather will do for some people.
I guide Maria around, and soon, we're checking out. I pay, we get in the car, and drive back to my apartment. In that timespan, me and Maria didn't say much. There was a comfortable silence between us.
Or was it uncomfortable? Did Maria feel awkward? I didn't feel awkward. Did I make Maria feel awkward?
"Hey, Lilith, I've been meaning to ask you something." Maria suddenly says, taking me out of the spiral of thoughts I was about to go down.
"Yes?" I reply, and she says, "You know I care for you?" Where was this coming from?
"Yeah." I say, looking at the road. "You care for me?" I nod.
"Okay. Are you hiding something from me?" Maria says. That caught me off guard.
I'm not. Right? No, I'm not keeping anything secret.
I think, but, is that true?
I don't even know what's going in through my head half the time.
No, I'm not hiding anything. "No, I'm not Maria. Why do you ask?" I say, and Maria isn't shy in her answer.
"You seem off. Did something happen at the therapist?" She says, and I clutch the wheal.
"No. Maria, I'm fine." I say, and Maria sighs.
"Lilith, be honest." She says, and I sigh.
"I am. Being honest." I say, and she doesn't seem to believe me.
"So why did I get a call saying you almost had a meltdown yesterday?"
She says, and I stop clutching the wheal at that. Damn it. That fucking doctor. At this point, we were in the parking lot to my apartment, parked.
I... I didn't... No. I didn't. Right? No. The therapist was just saying things. I did not almost have a meltdown. No. I did not.
"I... I did not. Maria, what are you-" "Lilith, I'm worried. You're lying to me, and you're acting skittish. What's wrong?" She says, and I frown. "Nothing. Nothing is wrong." I say.
Because it's true. Nothings wrong. Why was Maria so worried?
"Okay. But, I'm here, okay? I hate it when you hide things from me." Maria says, and I lower my shoulders.
I'm not hiding anything.
But still, I nod.
We leave the car, and get to my apartment, not saying a word.
I'm not mad. Nor scared. Maria wouldn't hurt me, mentally or physically, on purpose.
But... she acted like she knew something.
Something I didn't.
No. She doesn't.
....I'm going to have to think about that. But, it's okay. I'm okay. Nothings wrong. And I'm fine.
-

Hello! This is an A.N, and I just wanted to say thank you for reading chapter one of my story! For context, this is entirely written in the point of view of my Oc, Lilith Noviekoff. She's a Marvel Oc :D
Just know, this story will get more confusing, because it's told in the point of view of Lilith, whom isn't fine.
And I just write weird. Thank you for reading!