beautiful facades

Rosie

I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror of the church in which the service had been.
I had owned the dress I was wearing since I had been in year 9. I felt proud actually, for the first time in weeks, that it still fitted perfectly. And since it was much shorter now it made my legs look even longer.
It was only the black colour that had once looked good on me but now made me appear pale. Even the makeup couldn't conceal that. And my hair had become thiner as well – but I might just be imagining that, always looking for things that weren't perfect
I forced myself to smile at the mirror. At first I seemed happy but the longer I starred at me the more I realised how obvious my mask was. How fake everything seemed.
I was only a shadow of myself, tired and wornout. I hadn't felt the happiness I was so careful to display in ages.

And I told myself that it wasn't my fault, that I had a mental illness. But that couldn't stop me from hating myself. That couldn't stop me from wishing to be everyone else.
I didn't want to do it, really. Yet, I wrapped the fingers of my right hand around my left wrist. When it felt like the room left had increased I felt the smallest feeling of satisfaction. There were still things to make me happy.
I flinched when the door opened. But it was only Mya who walked in.
„What are you doing?", she asked, frowning.
„Nothing", I said turning to the mirror. I began to add another layer of mascara but instead of going in one of the toilet booths Mya was still standing right in front of me.
„I have been worried about you, you know. When was the last time you went to lunch?"
Shit. Shit, shit, shit! I couldn't deal with that right now, not at that funeral. Not ever.
„I went yesterday", I replied acting as if I was only worried about my lashes.
„Stop lying.!"
She sounded so angry. So fucking angry like I hadn't seen her in forever. She sounded harsh and aroused but I wasn't going to miss the pain I could detect in her voice.
„I saw you on a run yesterday," she said. I felt how my cheeks blushed but only slightly. You almost couldn't see it.
„It might not be any of my business, but you are my friend. I care about you. You can tell me everything!"
In that moment I could have both cried and laughed. It was nice to be reassured of our friendship but than again, it didn't change anything. Me telling her about my problems wouldn't make them go away. It wouldn't even make it easier. It would just lead to tears and stress and frustration. She would want to help me but she would have to understand that she couldn't help me.
„Why do you expect me to tell you my secrets if you can't tell me yours?"
For the tiniest of moments, there was unmistakingly shock in her face.
„Do you think I didn't realised you and Morimer are constantly talking in private? Excluding all of us!"
„You have no idea what is going on!"
„Neither have you", I cried. Then I left so she wouldn't see my tears.