Ch 11
The Crescendo
Everything was perfect, my future was within view with a clear path drawn ahead, I was finally healing, I was convinced I had found the love of my life, I had felt happy for once. I was happy god-dammit. And you shattered me. You Fucking Shattered Me. You unrepentantly crushed. mutilated. crippled. ruined. fragmentized. dismembered. mangled. And massacred me! There will never be enough fucking words in the dictionary to describe the unsurmountable pain you brought to me. I Hate You. With every fiber of my god-forsaken body, I Hate You. For so long I had begged for the pain to go away, I just wanted to quit hurting for a few miserable seconds, I just needed a breath for once. Do you know how hard it is to breathe when it feels like your ribs are breaking and bending into you, slowly constricting your lungs, the oxygen isn't being distributed properly so your heart slows, but not slow enough to offer the hope of death no just slow enough to make you feel like you're rotting from the inside-out, a constant state of neurotic decomposition. I will never again be able to enjoy what few good memories I have left because your face floods them all, and warps the comfort they once provided. You betrayed me and I will never forgive you for that, you took my hand as I was falling of the edge and pulled me back up, only to be the one to push me off of it. You took me in like someone takes in a orphan, someone who you could clearly see was broken, who was damaged and then pieced them together day by day, slowly nursing them back to health, showing them that love was possible was just right within reach, and then you ripped it away. Held it in front of them, teased them, made them believe that it was just in their head! "If I'm good then maybe they'll love me again, maybe they'll be nice to me." "Maybe if I keep giving and giving and wanting nothing in return they will finally see that I am worth their love again." But, they wont ever be the way they once were, because they were never truly that way to begin with. They were simply a mirage that you tricked yourself into seeing, because you were desperate. No matter how much of yourself you gave to them, it wouldn't matter, it wouldn't change anything. You saw what you wanted to see and in the end you lost yourself to the illusion. You were so blinded, that you had fallen for a simple lie, a lie that would end up being your demise. I loved you to the point where even when I knew it was unrequited, I didn't care. You were my love, my life, my family, my friend, my savior, all I thought I would ever need, and then you were nothing.
Ch 12
The Diminuendo
I hate to break it to you, but there will be no happy ending to this story. There is only so much rebuilding and mending a person can do before they become someone they no longer recognize. I have reached that point. I have picked myself up off the ground time and time again, but right now I just want to stay down and get some rest. I know this is has been a rollercoaster of emotions and events, it might not even make a lick of sense or connect at all. But, for now we are gonna go for a walk. I think now will be as great of time as ever to enjoy the snow, let the cold air wash over me, become deaf to all the noises around me. Right now I want to feel everything and nothing all at once, I don't want to hurt or be scared anymore. So I'm just gonna walk, I am not going to tell you where to until I have to, but I'm sure you could make a guess. Just bear with me for now, for we are only a short distance away.
