Midsomer Maiden |1| The Trials of Midsomer

22. Ring Out Your Dead

In the village of Midsomer Wellow, on a fine Tuesday evening, the local bell ringers were on their way into the church. Their leader, one Peter Fogden, was in the process of sliding the key into the door when an elderly gentleman by the name of Reggie Barton marched up behind him. "What are you doing?" he demanded.

Fogden rolled his eyes. "Unlocking the church door."

"Why?"

One of the other ringers, a young woman named Emma Tisoe, rolled her eyes. "We're gonna practise."

"On a Tuesday?" Reggie's eyebrows shot up comically. "Who gave permission?!"

"I have a hotline to God," Fogden told him sarcastically.

Reggie nearly had a coronary. "Blasphemous little whelk," he spat.

Fogden raised an eyebrow, unlocking the door. "I'm sure he thinks well of you, too, Reggie." He stepped aside so his fellow bell ringers could enter. "After you, Emma."

***

Meanwhile, the owner of the local tearooms was in the process of splitting up with her husband, who was tucked up in bed with another woman as she raged. "You are without doubt the vainest, blatantest, loathsomest serial womaniser in the history of adultery!"

Greg Tutt winced. "I thought you was at the cash and carry. Sue, you ain't leaving, are you?"

She snatched his jeans off the floor and pulled out his keys, taking one off the ring. "No, Greg. You are. Just to save me changing the locks." Then she opened the window wide and threw his jeans out into the street.

"Here, not me trousers!"

"Why not?" she scoffed. "You hardly ever wear them!" And with that, she stormed out.

With the danger gone, Greg's lover surfaced from under the covers, smirking. "You poor darling, has the worm finally turned?"

Greg sighed heavily. "Why didn't she have a go at you?"

Rosalind Parr gave a wicked smile. "Because I'm clearly an innocent victim of your lechery."

***

Downstairs, Sue found Reggie Barton just outside the tearooms. "Sorry, Reggie," she said briskly, "we're closed. Greg and I are terminating our marriage."

Reggie barely missed a beat. "That's the spirit. You're worth ten of him." Just then, the church bells began to ring and he turned, glaring at the tower. "Those bloody bells!"

***

And upstairs, Greg groaned, scrambling out of bed with very little on. "Now I'm late for ringing practice!"

***

Frances Le Bon and her neighbour Marcus Steadman were also on their way to the church to join the other bell ringers. "Do come along, Marcus," Frances chastised, hurrying him along.

"Sorry." He nodded to Reggie Barton as they approached. "Evening, Reggie."

Reggie returned the favour. "Frances. Still doing it, then, Marcus? The bell ringing?"

"It's not a blood sport, Reggie," Frances scoffed.

"Be the death of him!"

"Nonsense. Good healthy exercise!"

"Inhaling dust along with wickedness!" Reggie stepped out into the road and an oncoming car screeched to a halt, the driver staring with wide eyes.

Inside the car, Freddie leaned forwards into the front, glaring at the man. "Absolute bloody psycho! Couldn't even wait for you to run him over yourself!"