Flashfire

Ch19

It was another five minutes, at least, before Liam had come to his senses. It was strange; Caleb had ushered him to the couch, where he sat down, shaking. Caleb held his hands, but it seemed to make his anxiety worse, so he stopped. After that, Liam got to his feet and began to pace, looking worried.

Then, as though a switch had flipped, Laim gasped loudly. Clutching his head, he doubled over at the waist. Caleb scrambled to his own feet. "Liam?"

The other man righted himself, and when he looked at Caleb there was a clarity in his eyes that hadn't been there previously. Caleb wished he would replace the grim look with a smile—but he didn't. Instead he turned on his heel and walked into their bedroom.

When Caleb padded over quickly, he found Liam sitting on the bed. It was only then that Liam proffered up the smallest smile and patted the spot next to him on the bed. Caleb walked over and sat at once.

"Look..." Liam started. In a shy manner that wasn't like him at all, he slid his hand into Caleb's and gave a squeeze. Caleb's breath hitched. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be," Caleb replied gruffly. "I was the jerk."

Liam smiled, and it seemed genuine. "I think we both are. This is a highly unpredictable situation we've landed ourselves in."

Caleb nodded. There was some silence.

"Liam," Caleb said quietly. "You said you needed me, right before I summoned you into a physical form. Do you remember that?"

Liam sighed, his eyes slipping shut. "Yeah."

"What do you need? I'm right here."

"Lean back, please. I think we both have a conversation that's long overdue."

"Er, alright."

Caleb re-situated on the bed, kicking his feet up and leaning his back against the headboard. To his utter shock, Liam laid down next to him. Liam draped one leg over both of his, nuzzling against his chest. Once comfortable, Liam clasped Caleb's hand and looked up at him.

"Why does this mean so much to you?"

Caleb closed his eyes. "Closure."

"I'm not coming back, Caleb."

His eyes snapped open and he glared. Liam looked nonplussed.

"Look. This is a very endearing thing you're doing—"

"I have to!" Caleb exploded.

Liam sat up, grabbed Caleb by both cheeks, and planted a soft kiss on his lips.

Caleb immediately dissolved into tears. He pulled away and wiped his mouth off. So Liam kissed him again. Caleb wiped it off again. The pair went back and forth like this until Caleb began to cry harder. Liam curled up next to Caleb then, arm tucked under his head, his other hand resting on the staccato movement of Caleb's stomach.

"You don't understand what this is doing to me," Caleb croaked out, running a hand through Liam's hair. "Do you have any idea what it was like hearing that you were dead from Paul?"

Liam, in fact, didn't.

"I had gone out shopping, we needed groceries," Caleb continued. "When I got back, my phone started ringing off the hook. Paul had called me four times in rapid succession. I called him back finally without looking at my other missed calls.

"He told me you were dead. I didn't believe him at first. I didn't want to believe him at first. When we got off the phone, I checked my call records. I don't know if Walmart has a dead spot or something, but my phone hadn't been working. I had a ton of missed calls, from your mom, from your dad, from my mom and dad, from your sister, from Paul..."

Liam reached over and handed Liam a tissue, which he absent-mindedly crumpled up in his hand without even using it.

"I listened to the first voicemail—your mom was hysterical." Caleb's voice cracked. "After that, I couldn't bring myself to listen to any of the voicemails. I still have them on my phone."

Liam continued to run his fingers through his husband's hair.

"I hounded the police to do a more thorough investigation. I couldn't understand why it wasn't looked into more! They gave it a couple weeks and then, case closed! Clearly there had been foul play. I saw your body—"

Liam sat up and hugged Caleb tightly.

"Before the wake. I demanded to see the body. You were all cut up. Like—like in those crime shows we used to watch, yaknow? You had defensive wounds all over your arms."

Then suddenly Caleb was angry again, and when he spoke a thin line of spittle dripped out. "But they said that there was nothing they could do and that I didn't know what I was talking about, that I wasn't a forensic specialist, and my parents have told me that I have to move on, and Paul thinks I'm going crazy, but they don't get it!"

Caleb looked at Liam, a horrifically devastating mix of sadness and anger. "How? How could you be gone? I left to go do shopping for us, and I kissed you at the door, and you told me that you loved me, and everything was fine. And then I come home, and you're—you're what? You're gone? You're just fucking gone, with zero explanation? You're never going to be here again? We're never going to have dinner together again? Never watch TV together again? We'll never snuggle up in this bed together again?"

Liam pulled Caleb into his arms.

"You're never going to make your lame ass jokes? You're never going to take care of me when I'm sick?" Caleb hiccuped. "We're never going to have sex again? And what, Liam, I'm just —I'm just supposed to be okay with that?"

"Caleb—"

"Well I'm not fucking okay with it!"

Silence rang out like a bell. For a long time, Liam didn't know what else to do besides hold the inconsolable Caleb. As the sun, still not visible over the horizon, started to make the sky grow lighter, Liam didn't say anything. Then, once the sky turned a very dark shade of purple, Liam spoke.

"Have you ever told anyone any of that?"

Caleb shook his head.

They lapsed into silence. When Liam broke it, it was very hesitant.

"You noticed that the spellbook doesn't mention making me stay, right?"

Caleb didn't speak.

"You know that's not possible, right? Once a person is dead, they're dead. You can do this neat little parlor trick you've done for a while, but you know you can't summon me permanently, right?"

Caleb looked at Liam. "What do you remember?"

Liam screwed up his face. "Huh?"

"You never told me what you remember. From that day. Before you died." Caleb gripped Liam. "Please, I'm begging you. Give me something."

Liam looked off to the side. Caleb felt a little guilty when Liam shuddered. "Well... I remember you leaving. And I remember I went for a walk. But then I don't remember anything. The next time I remember something, is when you summoned me."

Caleb frowned. Then, a soft smile took over Liam's face, and his eyes unfocused. "That's not entirely true."

Caleb's heart leapt. "Oh?"

"I remember warmth," Liam murmured, not blinking. "It's warm, and nice. I feel safe, content. Like nothing could ever hurt me. Nothing could ever bother me. It's just this...I don't know. I want to say nothingness, but it's everything. It's everything and nothing all at once. It makes me feel whole." Then, he whispered, "It feels like home."

All at once, Liam's eyes snapped into focus. The question he asked next was with the gentle innocence of a child. "Do you think I'm describing Heaven, Caleb?"

Caleb began to cry again. The pair laid down and held each other. Eventually, Caleb cried himself to sleep. Meanwhile, Liam played with Caleb's hair, wondering what Heaven felt like.