Flashfire

Ch33

Caleb had never wanted to go into a room less than he did now. Slowly he opened the door, the darkened bar looming in front of them. He stood, hand on the door, light from the stairwell invading the darkness.

Caleb knew that Liam was right behind him, still standing on the last step. The only way he knew that was because Liam had followed him down here. Yet now as they stood, Caleb too fearful to walk over the threshold into the bar, it was like Liam wasn't there.

There was no breath to be heard. Hairs on the back of Caleb's didn't raise from his husband breathing. For the first time since all this had started, Caleb suddenly realized it was like Laim wasn't there at all. When he closed his eyes, just focusing on physical sensations, Caleb was alone. The sensation that came with people sharing the same space, that sort of natural sixth sense that would cue you on the fact that you were being watched, or that someone had just entered the room, didn't apply to Liam.

It suddenly was real. There was no escape. From anything.

"Uh, Caleb?" Liam chuckled. "Are we going to find this note, or are we going to stand here forever?"

Caleb opened his eyes, and just like that it felt like some sort of binding was broken. It was an odd sensation; he felt heavy and yet light all at once. As Caleb led the way, he felt sick and tired of everything. Liam had been right from the get go. None of this mattered. Not the stupid bar he was going to lose because he couldn't pay the bills, not the stupid apartment that Liam had haunted, figuratively up until recently.

A finality washed over Caleb as he swung open the kitchen door. It settled through his very being, very particular particles nestled deep down. They were reaching the end, of everything. Caleb switched on the kitchen lights, once again coming to a standstill. Liam this time bumped into him.

"Whoops, sorry."

Caleb didn't answer. I want to burn this all to the ground.

Liam came around and stood directly in front of Caleb, a deep look of worry etched onto his face. "Caleb?"

"I do," Caleb whispered. He just stared at Liam, but not really seeing him, trapped under the weight of his reality. "I've known what's been coming this entire time, and I've just been trying to delay the inevitable. I'm lost, Liam."

Liam's face crumpled. "Caleb—"

Caleb talked over him. "I'm going to lose this bar. I'm going to lose the apartment because the two go hand in hand. I lost you."

"Caleb—"

"I've been trying to fill the void of everything, force out everything. I've been trying to exert control when everything in my life is on its head right now."

"Sweetie—"

Caleb looked up at the ceiling, trying hard not to cry. "I've been looking for answers that have been right under my nose. I've been creating answers to problems that have never been there. The black cars, Paul. Chasing down people and things that could be responsible for your death."

This was stirring things in Liam, things neither of them wanted to know, to remember. "Babe, please—"

"Nothing is fluid. Everything feels constricted since you died. I never wanted this to happen, it's been a challenge, and nothing feels natural. I'm stuck." Caleb looked at Liam directly in the face. "I'm stuck, and it's time for me to get unstuck."

An uncomfortable, drawn out silence was shared between the two. How much time slipped between them, neither were sure.

"I'm sorry," Caleb said finally. Shamefully, he looked away. "I've been so selfish through all this."