It's Okay, Really

Chapter 11

It was already one o'clock, and Dazai was walking out of the empty bar after changing his clothes. He was walking back home when he passed by a field with benches along the side. He would walk pass those benches every single day, but today, he stopped and stared at them for a while. Then he slowly walked towards one and sat down.

It was a silent night, he could hear the crickets, and the rustling sound of leaves when the breeze came. He stared at the empty field. There was nothing there, and it was dark, but somehow, he felt relaxed. It was like he could finally feel what he had been suppressing. The excrutiating pain in his heart grew worse, robbing him of oxygen as he felt it harder to breathe despite being in such a widely open area.

His hands were clasped together on his lap, they were interlocked so tightly that they started to hurt. But he didn't let go, he just stared down at the grass with his lips tightly pursed, so tightly that they hurt too. It hurt everywhere, but there wasn't any tears rolling down his cheeks.

''Hey.'' A sudden voice freaked him out. He looked behind him and saw Tachihara walking towards him. ''You've been here for quite some time,'' he said while walking up to the brunet. Dazai stared at him for a second, then said, ''You've been following me?''

Tachihara helplessly shrugged with a slight smile, then he sat beside Dazai and said, ''Are you okay?'' Dazai was looking at him at first, but upon hearing his question, he looked away and stared blankly at the empty field once again. ''I have to be, don't I? He hates me now, and I have to move on and go on with my life with or without him, that's a fact.''

Tachihara was confused. ''What do you mean he hates you? Why would he hate you? What did you do?'' Dazai kept silent. Tachihara tried to recall whatever at all that happened between them from since they first met, then realization hit him, and he decided to give it a shot.

''Is it related to that time when that bastard hurt you with hot water?'' Dazai remained silent, but Tachihara caught the flinch in his eyes. ''Why did he call you a freak? Are you a girl in fact, like, what's that called? Transgender?'' Dazai had no reaction at all. ''Unisex? That's not a big deal,'' he continued, and still no response from Dazai.

''Intersex?'' Dazai's lips pursed harder. ''I knew it.'' His words made the brunet turn and look at him. ''Yeah, I saw menstrual products at your place that day.''

Dazai's eyes widened in shock, he could feel it difficult for his voice to sound. ''No-- No you shouldn't have known, you can't-- Then what are you still doing here?'' ''Dazai.'' ''What are you-- Are you here to tell me you don't wanna see me anymore? Please don't-- I--'' ''Dazai.'' Tachihara held the brunet's face, trying to calm him down, because Dazai was shaking his head with fear, his eyes red and teary. Dazai could no longer control his emotions.

He had already lost Chuuya, he couldn't lose Tachihara too.

''Hey it's okay, I don't hate you or anything like that. Why would I? It's just a type of gender and that's all, there's nothing for me to hate.''

And as far as I know, Chuuya doesn't despise people like you too.

Dazai looked at him in disbelief, it was the first time someone said something like this to him. Tears rolled down his cheeks uncontrollably while Tachihara smiled and stood up. He bent a bit and patted gently on the brunet's head, saying, ''Let's get you home, okay?'' Dazai wiped his tears and nodded with a smile.

While walking Dazai home, Tachihara asked him about his lifestyle as an intersex person. He learnt a lot, but at the same time couldn't help but feel heartache at how much the brunet got hurt by Chuuya. He couldn't imagine how much Chuuya must've meant to Dazai. And by how emotional Dazai got when he had told him that he knew about him being an intersex, Tachihara realized how much he meant to Dazai as well. He would never hurt him, ever.

*

At the mafia building, Chuuya and Tachihara had just come back from a job. Tachihara went to change his clothes, while Chuuya went straight to his office. He sat down and looked at some documents, and ended up just staring at them. Fifteen minutes passed when he finally realized it. Frustrated, he took his phone and tapped on an unread message. It was from Rika, asking him if he would be free to watch a movie with her.

But he just looked at the message, his expression didn't change, not even a bit. He just casually replied a ''Yeah'' and scrolled through his contacts. Then his gaze fell on the name ''Dazai''. Again, he looked at it, but instead of scrolling away, he tapped into the chat despite there being no unread messages.

He started scrolling up to the top, then reading their conversation all over. He could remember all the silly chuckles he did when he exchanged texts with Dazai, he could remember the first time he met him, the first thing he said to him, how they became friends, all that. He missed talking to Dazai, he missed him, but why wasn't he talking to him then?

''Knock knock.'' Someone knocked on the door, interrupting his thoughts. ''Come in,'' he responded. It was Tachihara, he came in and said, ''Hey, about last night--'' Chuuya immediately knew what Tachihara wanted to say. ''I have nothing to say about that, bro,'' he said before Tachihara said anything more.

Tachihara froze for a second, he frowned and said, ''Really? Cuz as far as I know, you liked Dazai until you avoided him for a week and showed up with a girlfriend.'' He went straight for the point, there was no point to put it in another way. Chuuya looked helpless, he sighed and said, ''Like I said--'' ''Do you despise intersex people?''

Even Chuuya was shocked by how straightforward he was this time. He looked away and said, ''No, I don't.'' ''Then why did you do all that after knowing that Dazai's intersex?'' Tachihara was angry, Chuuya could sense it in his tone. The ginger head sighed again, it was an unsettled sigh. ''You don't understand. I don't despise him but I--'' He was caught in his own words.

''But when it comes to dating someone intersex I--'' ''You'd feel ashamed?'' That was a harsh way to put it. ''Because you're an executive of the great Port Mafia?'' Tachihara wasn't going easy on him. Chuuya kept silent, he wouldn't say that Tachihara was right, but he wasn't all wrong, it was just that he said it with pretty harsh words.

More rage rose within Tachihara. ''That's why you have a girlfriend now even though you don't even love her?'' Silence from Chuuya again. ''Do you have any idea how much you've hurt him? He cried last night, he cried!!'' Chuuya could feel a surge of pain at his heart. ''I'm just gonna be straight with you. Why is your executive title even something that's stopping you from being with someone you love when you don't even hate him for who he is? Your stupid dignity? Your foolish fear of people knowing that your partner is intersex? What the hell?!''

Chuuya was left speechless. Tachihara was right, he was hurting the one he loved because of his ego and fear of shame.

Tachihara stared at him for a while. ''You're hurting him when he doesn't even deserve it.'' ''You like him don't you?'' said Chuuya. Tachihara nodded, he said, ''Yeah, yeah I do. But that doesn't change a thing because you're the one he likes, Chuuya.'' And he left. Chuuya was left in his office alone. He let out a stressful sigh and supported his forehead with his palm, his eyes closed.

I'm sorry...