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FOURTEEN, the needle and the damage done
italics — rues narration
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god, i hope you can forgive me for all i've done when my time comes.
rues hands shook violently as she stood outside of elliot's house, trying her best to drown out the sounds of ambulance sirens and screams from ziayla as she searched for lianas contact information in her phone. she could barely see through her tears but ultimately found it and called her.
she went to voicemail at least twice before liana picked up, sounding groggily and tired. she had just woken up. liana didn't pick up the first couple of times because she didn't really want to talk to rue, she knew she wasn't calling to apologize or make amends. and she wouldn't have answered at all, but something felt off about the call.
when she picked up, liana could barely get a word in before rue began to apologize. "liana... liana i'm so— i'm so sorry." rues cry came out broken and inaudible, liana could barely hear her over the sirens. she knew something was wrong, her gut was telling her it wasn't a small wrongdoing either. "what? what are you talking about?" liana sat up in bed, looking at the clock that read 11:42.
"i didn't mean—i didn't know— i'm sorry." rue could barely get out a full sentence. "what?" she asked. rue said a couple of mumbled words and went out of reception a couple of times but managed to say a fully clear sentence.
"liana he overdosed." the sentence that she finally did get out made lianas heart completely stop. she felt as if she were dying, nothing in her body was working right. she wanted to cry but no tears would come out, she wanted to speak but she couldn't find any words.
"it was my fault, i'm sorry." rue cried. "i didn't know i gave him that much, we had the same amount." she let all her words out fast in hopes that liana wouldn't freak on her. but she didn't have any energy, she felt like the news alone had completely wiped any feeling she had left in her.
"i..." her words got caught in her throat like they had come up the wrong pipe. she couldn't seem to compose herself although she wanted to. her mind raced from elliot, to their entire relationship, to their fight, and to right now.
there was a lot that she could have said or done but none of it came out, she just sat in her bed as if she was still asleep. in truth, liana just didn't really know what to do with herself or what to say to rue.
all she did was hang up and get out of her bed, finding whatever shoes she could before she ran out of the house.
when she arrived at elliot's house, which wasn't much later, she nearly threw up. there was an ambulance, cops, and ziayla was screaming at rue on the sidewalk. it was so much that liana struggled to process it all, she stood there like a mannequin. at some point, she felt as though she wasn't even there.
"you fucking killed him! you and your stupid ass pills, you're a fuckin' junkie...." ziayla yelled, throwing her hands in the air like a maniac. liana watched from a distance, her hands by her sides. her fingernails dug into her skin hard enough to draw blood.
she tried convincing herself that it was a dream. some weird bad dream that she was struggling to wake up from, but it all came crashing down when the paramedics rolled elliot out of the apartment. he might as well have been in a body bag. he looked completely lifeless and blue, liana stopped herself from running up to him out of impulse.
sometimes i wish i could start all over. go back to when i was a baby, and do everything right this time. i wished now, more than ever, that i could rewind time.
ziayla stopped screaming at rue once they wheeled elliot out and began to sob uncontrollably, catching a first glimpse at liana who stared in complete shock. without warning or any time to really process anything, ziayla ran over to liana and engulfed her in a tight hug.
she hugged her so tight that liana was struggling to breath, and the suffocating feeling finally made her break. they both began to cry in each other's arms, although liana wasn't just crying. she was having a panic attack.
she sunk into the grass beneath her, placing a hand on her chest as if her heart was stopping. ziayla furrowed her brows as liana began to hyperventilate and sob at the same time. "i know, i know." ziayla sprung into big sister mode, despite the fact that her cousin had just overdosed.
"look at me liana, it's gonna be fine." liana looked at her but all she could see was blur. pure blur, nothing else. in the blur, she pictured elliot. she could see him behind ziayla, just watching her. that only made liana cry harder.
but there isn't much you can do if you can't rewind time. you can dwell on the past, try to cope with whatever happened to you or those around you. or, you can accept and try to move on. quite frankly, i know first hand that the first option is the easiest.
ziayla sat down next to liana, letting her rest her head against her shoulder as she continued to struggle with catching her breath. "i'm not gonna let anything happen to you liana." she assured, wrapping an arm around her shoulder and pressing her against her body.
everything felt like a scene from a movie. liana genuinely couldn't believe what she just witnessed, and she couldn't believe the next few days that followed either.
elliot fought for a couple of days in the hospital but unfortunately didn't make it, and liana was a wreck. she didn't get out of bed for days at a time, refused to eat or shower. all she did was cry and sleep. it was scary for her parents to watch, they just wanted to help her.
and like a domino effect, everyone went from being worried about elliot to being deathly worried about liana.
