Piece By Piece

Part 22

I laid in my guest bed going over the memories that were now logged into my brain. I thought about my parents, my siblings, Sokovia.  I thought about my time at Hydra- my first time at Hydra. How controlled I felt. I compared it to how my recent involvement with them felt. My more recent one was better. I was just doing, not thinking. Doing was easier than thinking. It was less emotional.

The picture of my mother's foot barely hitting the stair before being turned into bloody mist. All I could hear was the slow beat of my heart and the sound of the fan above me spinning. I began to drift in and out of a fitful sleep, littered with nightmares and cold sweats. As yet another ragged scream scratched through my throat, a knock on my door cut it off. With heavy breathing and tense muscles, I slowly got out of bed and set my feet on the floor.

With my hands forming fists, preparing to fight whoever was on the other side of the door, I reached for the handle and twisted it. The door opened and in the dim light revealed Barnes, looking distressed and haggard.

"Can I help you?" I ask shortly. I'm tired and scared and have been thrown into an abyss of pain today, and don't have a whole lot of patience for the staring.

"Y/n, please. I need you to try to remember me. I need you to forgive me. I'm drowning in what I put you through." I look deeply into his eyes.

"I don't want to know what you've done to me. I'm sure I'll find out in the next couple days here. And whatever you did, I'm sure I'll find a way to make it even." His eyes turned down in the corners and his shoulders sagged in despair, tugging at the guilt in my heart.

"You were innocent. We never meant for you to be-"

"I said that I don't want to hear it from you. I don't want your apologies or explanations, I want to make you hurt the way you hurt me," I said quietly. I was so tired. I just wanted to sleep.

"It's killing me. Y/n it kills me that I hurt you. God if I could take your place I would, please believe me."

I examined his body language, the way his hands fell at his sides limply, completely vulnerable. I believe him. But I don't care.

"Go to bed, Barnes. I'm sure I'll see you bright and early tomorrow while we tear through my brain again," and with that I closed the door in his face. I crawled back into bed and hauled the heavy covers up to my chin, trying to diminish the sudden chill that set in my bones.

-Bucky's POV-

I wanted to die. She was going to live through the last ten years of her life in a week or less. This meant every pain will be new to her. Losing her parents, her brother. And I've rubbed it in. I threw punches her way about her brother, I've tortured her as much as anyone else on the team, and yet I'm the only one who seems to need her forgiveness. I walked back to my room with a heavy heart.

The next morning, I woke up to the sound of a girl's screams emitting through walls. I threw off the covers and ran, following sound of the screams until I stood outside the lab, staring through the large glass walls at a poor broken girl laying unconscious and strapped to a chair, while Shuri tried to navigate her memories. Tears wet her face and her eyes her squeezed shut. Her body jolted every few seconds and her face contorted in pain. This had to be Hydra. There's no way this was something else.

Another scream ripped through her throat and pierced my ears, making me flinch. I didn't want to know what was happening, but I felt like I owed it to her to understand where she came from. She launched forward as she came out of the dream-like memory, and fought invisible hands off her. He cried and Shuri rushed forward to comfort her.

This routine was repeated for the next four days, all day, every day until Y/n was shaking from the terrors. By the end of the week, she was back to her old self. We were all eating dinner together except Y/n, who stayed locked in her bedroom. She hadn't come out and hadn't spoken to anyone. This was our last night here, and I don't think she's going to show her face until she's forced to tomorrow morning to go back to New York.

We ate our food in silence. This wasn't a fun trip, or an exciting new experience, it was depressing and heartbreaking to watch a girl we all abused go through every traumatic life event before our eyes. We watched her tears flow as she went through Hydra's torture, and we listened to her screams as Pietro died. Nobody really knew what to say, so we all stayed quiet, just dealing with our own guilt.

-Y/n's POV, the next morning-

I packed my bag numbly, not even really registering my actions. I was completely disassociated with my surroundings. I mindlessly walked with my backpack towards the landing where I stood a week ago, excited to remember my life. Now I wish I had never come here. I wish I had never gotten out of Hydra alive. I planned to leave when I got back to New York. I had no intention on staying any longer with the people who were responsible for the horrors that I had endured for the last three months. I sat on the jet- I don't even remember boarding- and stared at my feet in silence, with my hands folded in my lap.

I felt Barnes staring at me. I missed him and hated him at the same time. I missed the comfort and safety he provided, but on the other hand that quickly turned to hurt and betrayal as I recalled the feeling of helplessness when I was thrown back into Hydra custody because he wouldn't listen.

I blamed Steve as well. I tried to warn him what would happen. And then when the opportunity came to save us both without even having to leave the compound, they fought me out of the compound and back to Hydra, empty handed and without the Winter Soldier. They were responsible for the scars that littered my body, and the permanent bruised that stained my ribs and back. They were responsible for every burn, cut, and break that Hydra delivered to me.

I didn't sleep throughout the whole ride home. In truth I haven't slept in days. I stopped sleeping soundly after day two of getting my memories back. Hours of silent flight. Barnes tried making conversation a few times, and each time I acted as though I didn't even hear him. I wanted nothing to do with him. I wanted nothing to do with any of them.

When we reached the compound and got off, the team was waiting in the living room watching tv. As the doors opened and we walked in, I kept my face black and wiped of emotion. Wanda came walking up, hands clasped together in anxiety, but her face was full of hope.

"Y/n... Hi." She said this as she opened her arms to hug me, but I stepped back to avoid the embrace. I didn't want a fucking hug from the sister who abandoned and abused me, I wanted an apology, or at least some goddamn acknowledgement of the pain she had caused me.

"I never want to look at you again. You are dead to me, as dead as Pietro. Don't come near mer, don't come tell me your excuses, I don't fucking care, leave me alone Wanda." Tears welled in her eyes but I ignored it. I didn't care. After everything she had done to me and out me through, she doesn't get to cry. "And to be honest, I don't want any of you near me. Don't come and talk to me, or try to make peace, no. You all treated me like shit. You cast me out and yet still expected me to put my life on the line, and damned me when I did. Fuck all of you. Go to hell."

With that, I walked passed the team who were all still with various expressions of sorrow, guilt and shame painted across their faces. I went to my room, got on my laptop and booked a plane ticket, for tonight. The earliest one I could find to the farthest destination. I didn't even unpack my bags. The plane left at 4:30 am, so I set my alarm for 3:00 am. This gave me enough time to get dressed and be at the gate on time. I couldn't miss this plane. It was my only chance at freedom.