Bittersweet

Rainbow After the Rain

"I brought an Ice cream and strawberries," the silence is so loud, my ears begin to ring. Pero wala akong paki-alam. I don't care if she can't respond. As long as she knows that I am here, that's enough.

"Happy birthday Harelle," I sung loudly, just like she usually do when I'm depressed.

It's really true Harelle, memories do torture me like crazy. Even if years passed by bakit parang ako nalang ang nakakulong sa nakaraan?

"Alright no crying. Okay...I actually passed the BAR, cool diba? I thought I'll stop studying once I graduate but I think you really did left that dollar for me,"

"Hunter became an awesome dad and an engineer. See? Baka ako talaga ang para sa iyo, even if he read what you wished for him he still pursue his dream. To be an engineer,"

I exhaled so loud and bite my lips. Nangako akong hindi ako iiyak after looking at the result of the BAR exam last night. Punyeta Harelle, I cried.

"I cried but it's not because I passed. It's because of you..."

Punyeta!

Putang inang luha. Hindi ba ako magsasawang umiyak na parang tanga? Maibabalik ko ba ang buhay mo Harelle kung palaging iyak nalang ang gagawin ko?

Akala ko ilang weeks lang 'to eh.

Bakit umabot ng buwan,

Taon.

At hanggang ngayon, pilit pa rin akong umaahon.

"Harelle, it's because of you I am now lawyer! When I saw my name at the top of the list of passers, I saw your smile, flash over my face. How proud you are ha?" I say in between my sobs.

"I knew it you're here."

Damn it!

"I thought you have a meeting?" I reply, wiping my tears off with my blue longsleeves.

It seems like I just came out of the shower, it's that obvious. If he mentions this, I will fucking smash his head.

"You need a beer?" he sat down beside me.

"You know that I promise not to drink after what happened to Amalia." I say. Naaalala ko pa kung paano ako mabaliw noong nalaman ko 'yon.

"Would you mind to share your Ice cream?" he pointed the bag of Ice cream that I brought.

"Get one."

"Damot." he laugh.

"What are you doing here Hunter?" I weakly swallow the bile that has formed on my tongue.

"I never have the chance to congratulate you? Perfect! Harelle is with us too."

Napatingin ako sa kanya ng banggitin niya si Harelle. He aged. He looks stress but happy. We definitely aged.

"Thanks." I said.

"Sabi ko sa iyo eh, para sa iyo 'yung half ng dollar," he chuckles and bite the Ice cream. "Aren't you curious, what I wish for her?"

I shake my head because I don't want to hear anything from the past. Her laughter, humor and voice are enough for me. Ayoko ng dagdaggan ang magpapagising sa akin bawat gabi.

"Wala akong sinulat."

I paused for a while to stare at Harelle's name on the gravestone.

"Motherfucker." I say after I realized what he did.

"You and your knife like tongue is always the problem. Aray ha hindi mo pa naririnig kung anong rason namura na ako?"

I furrowed my brows and waited for him as he had instructed. Matagal na kaming hindi nag-usap ni Hunter. Since I deleted all of my social media accounts in order to concentrate on my studies, hindi ko siya sinipot. I never attended family gatherings or holidays, because I might end up disrupt the mood.

"My plan is to write what I dream for her after graduation. Kasi alam kong magsisisi ako kung future RN lang din ang ilagagay ko. And I am not sincere about it that time. I told you that I like Claudette not Harelle sa araw na iyon!" bigla siyang napatingin sa puntod ni Harelle, "Sorry Hase. Even if Soren already told you everything, sorry pa rin."

He looks at me, terrified, and waves his hand like an idiot.

"So I'll give you this," dahan-dahan niyang ilinabas ang kalahating piraso ng dollar na nasa sa akin ngayon. "To write your dreams and future for her. Soren, I believe in afterlife, so you should as well."

When I saw how clean the other part of the dollar was, my eyes burned. As I reached for it, I bowed my head and sobbed on the ground in front of Hunter and Harelle.

Oh my God.

I failed to protect Harelle. The only person I regret losing. And the priority that I failed to reach.

"We trip on urge to feel alive, Giv. So trip as many as you want until you're ready to face tomorrow again. Live for her Giv. In case you're wondering what is your purpose, it's to live for Harelle. Continue what she didn't finish while she's still alive. Remember that you're still breathing Giv, please don't be hard on yourself. Don't make your body suffer because I am sure Harelle is not thrilled seeing you cry in your sleep every night."

"Ang sakit Hunter. I preㅡpretended to be...happy, a lot. I'm not. Inside, I'm fucked up."

"Then don't fucking pretend! We are waiting for you Giv. We're always waiting for you! So you don't need to pretend! Handa kami sa lahat ng sasabihin mo. Huwag mong ikong ang sarili mo! Sabi nga ni Harelle makinig ka kay Shaveena diba?!"

I don't know...

But something about screaming and weeping in front of someone actually helps me on the inside. Malapit na akong sumuko but Harelle and Hunter saved me once again.

"I'll try...." I whisper and close my eyes.