Was It Love?

5. Just Maybe

About two weeks later,I saw Khawlah at one of our secondary school friends' Nikāh.

I avoided meeting her till the Nikāh was over. Almost everyone in my circle of friends had gotten married. It was like I was the only one left.

I bade everyone bye later and made to go when I saw Khawlah again. She was waiting for me beside her car.

"Juwayrah, will you continue to avoid me forever?" She confronted me. I wanted to turn back but she blocked my path.

"JuJu, say something,," Khawlah said. She was on the verge of years.

I knew I wanted to say something to my best friend. But it was her brother we were to talk about.

She continued, "I know something happened between you and Brother Jamāl that day. I asked him about it but he wouldn't talk. He was withdrawn throughout the week. The night preceding his departure from Nigeria, he called me out to the front of the house when everyone had gone to sleep. He told me everything. I could tell he really liked you but he didn't imagine it all to go awry like that. I'm not saying this because I'm his sister and you know that more than anyone."

Khawlah was crying. Anyone who saw us would not know who was consoling who.

She continued, "When I got to your home the next day, your mum told me you had left for your uncle's place in Kano and will go to the NYSC camp from there. She even asked me what was wrong with you. I couldn't come up with any excuse. She just told me you've been acting unusual and I should make sure you're okay. Since that time, my calls didn't go through and I realized later that you'd blacklisted my number. Remember that time I used another number to call, you hanged up on me. JuJu, I was your best friend and it was my brother that wronged you. I never got the chance to be there for you or even ask for your forgiveness. How much pain you must have gone through."

I was weeping as she continued talking. I crouched on the ground and cried. I cried and cried some more. I cried for myself, my lost friendship,. I cried for Jamāl too.

I felt so lonely and wished I could undo that day and erase my mistakes.

Khawlah took me into her car and drove out of the event centre as we were already creating a scene.

I had calmed down before we got to a quiet area and I started to talk,"That day, Jamal... forced himself on me. I begged him but he didn't listen. I was at fault too. I should not have stayed indoor alone with him. I should have fought harder so that he wouldn't overpower me."

I blew my nose into my handkerchief and continued,"Maybe we weren't meant to be. However trivial it might seem, our staying together alone caused it. Just recently, I met him and his wife. They looked happy together and I don't want to ruin what they have by rubbing our mistake in his face. I'm not that heartless," I said and looked out of the window.

I felt calm after pouring it all out. Thinking about it, I realized I still loved Jamāl. But, things don't always go the way we want. Jamāl was a well-mannered, decent, Muslim guy. But Shaytan is always using his trick on even the most pious of us.

Khawlah held my hands, looked at me earnestly and said, "Actually Juwayrah, Jamāl told me that he saw you. He said he still loves you and would like to marry you."

I scoffed and laughter hysterically, "Jamāl? Marry me? Oh, stop this, Khawlah. Don't you see he's doing this out of pity. Or guilt?"

I wasn't crying but my tears were falling again.

I told Khawlah,"Maybe I should explain everything to you, Khawlah. Jamāl's wife, Khadijah is Alhaja 'Āishah Morakinyo's daughter. I found out the last time I went to visit her. Do you know who Alhaja is? She is my mentor. I met her in the bus on my way to Kano that year. She must have sensed something was wrong with me that day. Our trip together to Kano brought me out of my misery and she's still like a motherly figure in my life. I can't hurt her. I can't break her daughter's home."

Khawlah didn't know what to say again.

She hugged me and patted my back. "It will be all right, bi idhniLlāh. It will be fine," she consoled me as we both cried onto each other's shoulders

And maybe it would be fine. I'm already healing. So, maybe Jamāl will be fine too. Maybe Allāh will accept our repentance. And maybe I'll get a chance at love again.