When I went back to his studio that morning, I decided to tell him everything. Daniel has always been my confidante. I told him about my thoughts, my insecurities, and feelings. He never judged me. It was like he was born to listen to me.
We were silently working. I stared at him, wondering if it was the right time to confess. He seemed really absorbed with what he’s painting but I couldn’t contain it anymore.
“I dreamed about demon raping me.” I spouted. It was sudden that I barely even realized I said it.
He dropped his paintbrush and afterwards, he looked at me with wide eyes.
“It was so vivid.” I said. “I thought it was real at first. Then, it's happening every night. I can't even fall asleep. No. I don't even want to fall asleep. I developed trauma for sleeping.”
“Since when?” he asked.
“A week?” I said, not quite sure. “Or more than that. I guess it’s about eight days. Google said I’m just stressed. Or living an unhealthy lifestyle. Which is weird since I’m living under one roof with a doctor.”
“Shit.” He silently cursed. It was barely audible. He spaced out for a bit. Then his face distorted into worried expression.
“Are you okay?” I asked him.
“Why not?” He chuckled dryly. "What if you sleep beside someone? Will it help?"
"I don't know. I'm the one who's dreaming. Will my dreams disappear just because I'm beside someone?"
"Dreams are purely psychological." he said. "It reflects your subconscious state of mind."
Where did he get that?
"Ugh. You're saying that my subconscious state of mind will ease down once I sleep beside someone?"
“I don't know. I was just asking. But... What was it like?” he asked. “To be…”
“Raped?”
“Yeah.”
“It was fun.” I told him sarcastically but then, he looked serious so I just told him the truth. “It was horrible. So horrible that just by remembering it, I feel like I'm gonna throw up."
“Bet it was.”
“It felt real.” I told him, my voice cracking a bit.
“Im sorry. You don’t have to tell me if you can’t.” He told me with a reassuring voice. No way! Does he think I’m that traumatized? “I actually don’t mean it. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have asked.”
Well, maybe I'm a bit traumatized.
“I’m desensitized, okay?” I told him. After going through a lot, maybe I didn't even care if I went through something disturbing right now. “By the way, are you concerned? Daniel, that’s new.”
Usually, he would listen. Just listen. He won't say as thing but I knew he remembers them all.
“Shut up.”
He looked angry. I don’t know why but I can feel the potent hostility in the air. It’s kinda suffocating me.
“Are you mad?” I asked.
“No.”
“Okay.”
With this tension, I had the urge to leave this place. I’m not comfortable.
"I had to leave, Daniel." I told him. "Midterms coming up so."
"As if you care about midterms."
"I do."
