the lonely hearts club [saida, minayeon, jeongchaeng]

Chapter 15: the intricate art of facing feelings

"So everything went well?" Tzuyu asks from the other side of the line after they get home, and Chaeyoung can almost imagine her chewing at her nails like she does when she feels guilty about something, just like when they were awkward pre-teens. "You guys are okay? I didn't ruin everything, did I?"

"No, it went well," Dahyun says, slowly. "After she told me everything I felt kind of stupid for not realizing Sachaeng was a total farse."

"Sachaeng?" Chaeng asks, choking on her own saliva.

"Your ship name," Dahyun responds, then continues. "You were right. I was blind even to what I actually wanted. Turns out I was actually Team Saida this entire time. "

"Sai... da..."

"Sana and Dahyun."

Tzuyu hums. "Yes, of course."

"So... we're cool?" Chaeyoung swallows, nervous. "You're not mad about the plan, Dubs?"

She can't see her, but Dahyun takes her time to respond, maybe an entire minute, and Chaeyoung almost wants to throw up. She's so anxious the bends the pencil she's started chewing on, imagining the thousand ways Dahyun is about to end their friendship for good.

"I'm not happy about it," Dahyun confesses. Chaeyoung can picture the disappointed glare she's wearing right now and something twists inside her gut. Tzuyu is eerily silent as well. "You know I don't like it when people lie to me, especially you guys."

"I know," Tzuyu sighs. "We're so sorry."

"I'm not mad," Dahyun concludes. "Just don't go behind my back like this again, okay?"

Chaeyoung feels like a brick has been lifted off her shoulders. She's really lucky Dahyun's the kindest person in the world. "Yes, of course. Absolutely."

"Noted," Tzuyu says, sounding a bit less guilty. "The lie was eating at me anyway."

"Good," Dahyun responds.

"So this means you and Sana are...?"

"I don't really know," she says, growing kind of shy. "I hope so."

Chaeng frowns. "What do you mean you don't know?"

"We're... waiting a bit. I'm not jumping into her arms or anything, but I... I really care about her, you know?" she thinks she hears ruffling in the other line and realizes Dahyun's thrown herself on her bed. Her tone changes; it's serious, in a way Dahyun sometimes struggles to be. "Not the way I do about you guys. Sometimes I just—I feel like I'm going to explode when I'm around her. But I also, like, just want to be with her all the freaking time. I don't know. It's hard to explain."

"Yeah," Tzuyu giggles. Chaeyoung figures a certain black-haired Japanese cheerleader is on her mind. "I get it."

Chaeyoung feels a pang of pain on her chest, thinking about the one person she can't face for the life of her. But she understands, even if she wishes she didn't.

They hang up a bit after that, Dahyun promising to tell them the details tomorrow in school, and Chaeyoung is left alone on her room with her thoughts, which is always a bad combination.

She's happy for Dahyun and Sana, she really is—she's happy Dahyun's finally realized that Sana's been head over heels for her ever since she saw her; she's happy Sana finally got the girl and she doesn't have to pretend to be in love with her anymore, and she's happy that they are both happy. Still, she can't shake off the bitter taste in her tongue, the way her tummy twists in envy.

It's not about Dahyun and Sana, because the thought of dating either of them makes her want to throw up (Dahyun's like a sister to her and Sana has always been so head over heels over Dubu that she doesn't think she'd ever look at anyone the way she does her), and because she feels the same way when she remembers Tzuyu and Momo'll have a date this weekend— because the truth is that she wishes it was her and the girl she's been running away from since she tried to kiss her. The truth is that she's selfish.