Not A Diary Entry

I'm Fine

It's always the same.

I wake up to the screams of an alarm. I look up at the white ceiling and sigh...it's another day. I wanna sleep some more, but I can't...I'm late and I need to go to school. I get up pelted with screams to wake up, worried that I'm gonna miss the bus.

I get up and go to wash up, I look at my face and realize there's a long day ahead. I need to normalize it for a while. Washing my face into a new person, I let the cold water wash in the sensation of time as well.

I'm late, again, like usual.

I'm behind schedule and I need to dress up fast. My face has normalized, I don't look like half a dead person anymore. 

Wearing my uniform, I walk out of the room. I enter a world full of noise. I flinch as a high pitched voice tells me to move. My mother is angry again, angry that I'm slow and need to be told twice. She feels I have no consideration for time. She might be right.

I don't like the sensation of time at all.

I hear a honk outside the house, my parents panic. I'm still wearing my shoes. They yell and make me move faster. Wasting the time of others is bad, they say. My brother looks at me with mock triumph, trying to make me see that he's better. The look bothers me, but I'm clearly fighting a loosing battle, so why should I try.

I'm out. 

Finally. 

I sit in the transport vehicle that most likely isn't insured and is quite possibly a death trap. I would prefer not to die in this vehicle, I prefer to die in style. Pinching myself awake I plaster my smile. The smile I have plastered for a long time to ensure I wouldn't break down. I know that nothing can hurt me this way.

I reach school, the classroom is almost empty except for one person. The one who starts my daily dose of socializing. I walk in with a smile and start my daily routine. We talk about many things that happened, never letting topics cross a certain barrier, afraid that I'll become closer. Slowly people trickle into class and I become one with the passing scenery. A normal girl, talking and laughing with her friends and not a care in the world.

Class begins and my routine with it. Hours of grueling torture ensues and I start to rely on an organ that has long forsaken me. I try to keep up with what my teachers say, but I know I'm fighting a losing battle, so why should I try. Their mouths move like fish and I slowly tune out from the constant yapping.

I now have blocked out any noise. 

I'm in my own personal safe place and cage. My eyes blur as I try to focus them on the board. I'm no longer there, like usual.

The noise stops and I jerk myself back to reality. Now it's over, I finally have an hour just to relieve my stress. I open my box and start to eat

Of course I'm not alone.

I'm accompanied by people who I'm close and yet not close to. I talk and eat with them, plastering a smile, pretending I know an inside joke I've never heard.

I'm an outcast.

I never had the time to socialize, I was never allowed to beyond a limit. I finish my lunch and now I start to tune out again. After lunch is when I draw the line, because I know I can't.

School is over, everyone stays back to regroup and chat, I can't. I have to leave or I'll be late. I need to reach home so that I can attend tuition. I go back in the vehicle of doom and look at the sky. The sky never changes and is always a calming blue. It is not governed by one's mood and remains constant. I reach home and change...I need to be ready to get taught again.

It's evening, I tune out, I don't even know why I'm coming here. But it looks like this reassures my parents that I'm doing something. I trudge back home. My head filled and empty, nothing going in nor out, just static.

I push open the door hoping to finally rest my eyes, but I'm met with another firm warning to hit my books. I don't have the luxury to sleep, not when I've not done anything worthwhile.

I open my books and tune out, I guess it helps that you don't own electronic gadgets, you have a reason to say you're not distracted. I stare at my books desperately hoping that some knowledge will enter. It's dinner, staring has not worked again.

Another torturous affair, where I eat food and try to tune out the nagging. As much as I try, my parents voice will be louder than anything else. Constant nagging, a form of communication I will never get used to.  Words of love and advice are sure hard to understand. Well at least it's over, I can sleep now. 

I lay down, sleep never comes. Elusive like usual. Staring at the ceiling and remembering bad decisions sounds like a nice way to pass the time. At least I'll be doing something, instead of listening to static. 

I finally sleep. It isn't very comforting, but at least nothing annoys me there. 

The alarm screams. 

I'm up again.