I really hate depression
Idk if I have depression, well I do because the doctor said I did but like, what if I don't?
What if I'm just trying to make myself feel important? I think most of the things I do, online or not, I do just to make me feel important, like I'm important to somebody
And that's just bullshit
I shouldn't be important
I'm just like everyone else in this world
Back to the depression topic
What if I'm just a lazy bitch? What if I'm just lying to myself? I have literally no reason to be unhappy.
But that mixed with anxiety and ADHD
It's really not the best
I know I shouldn't do something but then I do It anyways
I say I'll do something and don't do it
I lie to my dad about my schoolwork
I'm scared of other people's judgement
I'm scared of not being good enough
I don't want to exist
I don't want to live
Why is life hard?
This is dumb
I'm dumb
It's my fault my life's hard I do it to myself
I procrastinate
I lie
Im rude
I'm too scared to end it all
I don't want the people who probably care about me sad
Every minor or huge inconvenience makes me want to die
Why do I do this to myself
I could just be happier if I wasn't so dumb and lazy
I say I will pay more attention and actually try but then never do it
I say I'll make a chapter in this dumb book I made and never touch it
I say I'll make a video and never do
I'm a freak
Literally
Like I said earlier I want to feel important
Is that why I want to relate to some sad songs or sad stories?
Like if someone's life is way harder than mine why do I want their life?
Why?
Am I just a horrible person
I can't even comfort somebody
I'm too scared to
I don't know if I'll say something wrong
I don't know what to say
I'm too scared to even type some stuff in this vent book
My dad spoils me and loves me my mom also loves me
Why am I sad?
Why do I insult myself?
Why do I hate seeing myself in the mirror?
Why do I hate myself?
Do I need a therapist?
I probably wouldn't say anything though
I've never had a therapist
I've never told people how I felt seriously
I just joke about it mostly
Not to my parents
Never
Why am I staying up writing this when I could be asleep or even studying for my test?
There I go again procrastinating
I have a fucking test tomorrow
And an assignment that I had a fucking Month to do, I probably won't even be done with it by the day it's due
I'm such a shitty person
I feel like I'm repeating myself
I really wish I had someone to hug and cry for a while
Not my parents
For some reason even when I hug them it feels different then when I hug my friends
Why
I love both of them
Why does it feel better hugging my friends
Why do I trust my friends more
Is this normal
I don't know anymore
I should probably go to bed
But I don't want to
Well gn/gm/good whatever to you
Stay safe, mentally well, and hydrated
Adios
