Kristen Bell Does Her Taxes

Kristen Bell Wakes Up (Chapter 1)

CHAPTER 1

Kristen Bell woke up the morning of her seventeenth ballet recital and thought about how excited she was not to dance for the adoring crowds that would inevitably form outside of Macy's where she performed each Sunday for tips but rather to do her taxes that evening with a good few bottles of wine. As Kristen started getting into her giant corncob outfit—which she wore for her Dance of the Corncob Women solo piece that was her current featured performance—she thought to herself, "I wonder what my astrologer would say about me investing more of my ballet tip money into lunar rockets."

She paused for a moment before thinking again.

"He's often quite testy about the moon."

But she didn't need to think about it much longer because her thoughts were needed for choosing the shoes to go with her corncob dress. Would she wear the flats or the other flats? She wasn't sure but she knew she needed to choose before she could leave the house to go get on her private bus that took her directly to the Macy's by the Popeye's Fried chicken house that she sometimes would visit after her shift doing ballet for her fans who needed to shop at Macy's.

"Ok," Kristen thought to herself. "I am ready to go out and dance for the world... and then maybe eat some delicious fried chicken. But i'm not sure. We'll see."

Kristen stood up from where she had been meditating after getting into her giant corncob outfit and walked towards her front door. She left her house, with it automatically locking behind her (Kristen had only the best and highest tech smart home security features money could buy for celebrities) and went down to where her bus was waiting for her. She looked inside but couldn't see her bus driver.

"Oh no," thought Kristen Bell to herself. "Where is my bus driver? I pay him $50 every month to pick me up and take me to my residency in front of Macy's and he is not here today to pick me up and take me? That is just plain rude. I am Kristen Bell and I am famous across the world for my voice talents in Frozen and its sequel Frozen II. I once saved thousands of peoples lives during a flood I think or something like that. I am an icon."

Just then, Amanda Seyfried's butler drove up in a bright pink and silver Jeep and shouted at Kristen, "Get in the car, Kristen Bell, I am going to take you to a safe place to hide from the alligators."

"What alligators?" Kristen asked, confused and scared by the thought of giant lizards eating her for her Gucci shoes that were made out of alligator skin.

"The alligators escaped from a nearby bioengineering laboratory that has been experimenting with zombie viruses to create a new super weapon in the form of an undead psychic alligator army that is capable of knowing your deepest and darkest fear and using that against you in the shape of an alligator."

"Wow," said Kristen, dumbfounded. "That has got to be the dumbest thing i have ever heard. Why were they trying to make a super weapon in the first place? We should only be making super shields. That way we don't have to worry about super weapons because we'll have super shields. That's why my private bus is completely and utterly hermitically sealed."

"I understand your concerns, Kristen Bell," said Amanda Seyfried's butler, Amy Adams, "But this Jeep has been blessed by the Crystalline Goddess through Whomst all things are protected and made crystal clear."

"If you say so, Amy Adams," said Kristen Bell, reluctantly getting into the backseat of the pink and silver Jeep. Together they drove away down the long, long driveway the led across Kristen's enormous Beverly Hills estate up to her gigantic mansion. When they reached the gate that separated the magical wonderland that was Kristen's landscaping from the harsh reality of L.A., a voice began speaking to her.

"Greetings, Mistress Kristen Bell, are you going out?"

"Yes, Crowe," Kristen replied to nowhere in particular. "I'll be gone for several hours. Please have at least five bottles of good wine chilled for me by the time I get back from my long day of working."

"Of course, Mistress Bell," replied Crowe, the automaton.

They then drove away together in the Jeep down the road and out of view of the house.

END OF CHAPTER 1