CHAPTER 5
"Of course I know how to use a sniper rifle," Kristen Bell replied, her tears drying and the color coming back to her face. This was Kristen's safe space, behind a big gun. She had spent many years hunting banshees in the deserts of Kalamazoo and knew how to wield a weapon better than any marine out there. She was Kristen Bell and the flames never bothered her anyway.
Kristen carefully took aim through the special sniper hole that Amanda Seyfried had clearly paid to have installed in her butler's car (her butler who was Amy Adams) at Nicholas Cage's flaming skull head and fired. The bullet sped out of the gun faster than you could say "let it go" and struck Nicholas Cage directly in between his fiery eyes. He bellowed and hollered and screamed and raged but he didn't fall off his motorcycle.
"Aim at the tires!" shouted Amy, aggressively.
Kristen took aim again but this time at Nicholas Cage's motorcycle's front tire. She let the shot off and watch as the bullet sunk into the fire of the tire and vanished from sight, having seemingly no effect on Nicholas Cage's motorcycle's performance. She gasped.
"It didn't do anything!" she shouted back at Amy Adams.
"Dang it!" yelled Amy. One hand still steering masterfully, Amy handed Kristen Bell a new and slimmer silver sniper rifle that sparkled and shone with a weird and dazzling light as if the metal it was made from wasn't just matter but also energy. Kristen took the gun from Amy and it hummed in her hands and turned pink.
"This is a biometric radioactive antimatter temporal shift dimension gun that Elon gave me for just such an occasion. It works just like a sniper rifle but it'll permanently turn any atoms it strikes good. Good atoms react to bad atoms explosively so it should cause Nicholas Cage and his cronies to explode," Amy Adams explained to Kristen Bell quickly.
"Sure thing," Kristen replied as she cocked and aimed it once again at Nicholas Cage's head. She let the shot loose and saw a beautiful neon pink chrysanthemum fly out and hit Nicholas Cage directly in his skeleton head mouth. Where there had been an evil grin, suddenly there was an angelic smile. Then his skull face began caving in and he lost control of his motorcycle which spun around his screaming, contorting body and struck both of his henchmen who both fell and got caught up in the wheels of their own motorcycles. Bones were flying everywhere, and the air was ringing with the shrieks of Nicholas Cage as his newly good atoms fought with his old bad atoms and exploded his soul into a million billion pieces and then back into a new soul and then over again and again and again. Soon, his henchman had been fully broken into all their component bones and were scattered uselessly across the road.
"I'LL ARGHHH GET ARGHHH YOU ARGHHHH YET ARGHHH!!!" wailed Nicholas Cage in between the deepest, darkest sobs of an actor caught between artistic integrity and the need for funds to save one's castles. "YOU ARGHHH HAVEN'T ARGHHH SEEN ARGHHH THE ARGHHHH LAST ARGHHHHH OF ARGHHHH ME ARGHHHH YET ARGHHHHH!!!!!"
"Good job, Kristen," said Amy, taking both the guns back while maintaining her one-handed grip on the steering wheel. "Onto In-N-Out Burger and true nourishment before we continue on to Elon."
"I don't want to be blasted into space and flown to Mars! I want to stay here! I have cats that I love so much and I'd hate to not have cats anymore and I can't imagine that you can have cats on Mars!"
"Fear not, my dear little Kristen Bell, unworthiest of imitators but most innocent of souls, Elon and I are not planning on blasting you into space. We needed the money for more ambitious dreams than sheepherding in the land of Kiwis and hobbits. And we need you, Kristen. I'm sorry for how I've spoken to you. I am indeed jealous of how much better you were in the same movie and how much more people liked it and you and I was wrong to act that way. Will you forgive me?"
"Of course, Amy Adams," Kristen Bell kindly replied. "You have shown me beauties within myself I never knew existed. How could I not forgive you? Let us be friends!"
"Friendship. I've heard the word before. Friend. Yes, yes, speak friend and enter. Let us be melons together," Amy responded cryptically.
"Sure thing," Kristen said. "Now what's this ambitious dream that exceeds sheepherding in Kiwiland?"
Just then, Amy Adams's iPhone rang. It was Katy Perry calling. Amy Adams picked up.
"Hello? Amy?" asked Katy Perry's voice through the Jeep's speakers.
"Yes, Katy, it's me, Amy Adams. What's up?" responded Amy Adams.
"Elon, Selena Gomez and I are all waiting here at SpaceX for you to arrive with Kristen Bell. Do you already have her with you?"
From clearly behind Katy, a soft voice could be faintly made out saying, "I knew we shouldn't have sent Amy to pick up Kristen...."
"Yes, Katy, Kristen is here with me. Say hello, Kristen," Amy said.
"Hello," said Kristen. "It's me, Kristen Bell."
"Hello, Kristen," Katy said through the car speakers. "I'm so glad you've been able to join us. I hope the ballet went well?"
"Yes!" exclaimed Kristen. "It went wonderfully. Thank you for asking, Katy Perry!"
"Katy, we're driving up to In-N-Out right now, and we're going to eat in the parking lot. We'll be there in around 30 minutes. Is that ok?" Amy stated.
"Sounds great," replied Katy Perry. "See you girlbosses soon!"
Amy Adams ended the call from the steering wheel and looked in the rearview mirror to make eye contact with Kristen Bell who was still sitting in the backseat.
"What do you want from In-N-Out?" Amy Adams asked Kristen Bell.
"I'd love a double-double, no tomato, fries and a strawberry shake, please!" Kristen chirped out excitedly.
"Why, my goodness!" exclaimed Amy Adams. "That's my regular order!"
"We're going to be such good friends!" cheered Kristen Bell. "Now what's this ambitious dream I'm being drafted to help with?"
END OF CHAPTER 5
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Kristen Bell Does Her Taxes
FanfictionKristen Bell has an exciting residency down at Macy's doing ballet for her eager fans. But one day when her private bus driver fails to take her to work, Amanda Seyfried's butler, Amy Adams, shows up and informs her her life is in danger. What will...
