Joel Miller x Reader

Twenty-Six

The hours passed and you and Joel began to exchange stories to fight boredom.

He told you about how he and Ellie met, the adventures and his mission that came with her.

You joked about how much Ellie sounded like she was his flesh and blood through and through, and about how she had to be an absolute hard-ass.

But when he got to the point where he was talking about the Fireflies, his face turned somber.

"They told me there would be a solution. That Ellie was the only way to a normal world...", his voice sounded weak as he told of the moment he had to choose between Ellie's life and a better future. "I shot a doctor. It was the only way to get her back. That it was Abby's father I had no way of knowing."

With a look that only a man who was fully aware of his sins had, he looked at you.

You sighed heavily, leaned back, and nervously tapped your toes against the dashboard.

"You did what you thought was right.", you assured him while your empty gaze stared into the darkness. "There was no guarantee of a cure."

"But I didn't know that at the time. I... I never told her. I lied to her that she was ultimately useless to the Fireflies."

"You don't talk about it much, huh?"

He nodded. His lips curled and he let out a deep hum.

"Is that obvious?", he gave you a quick, tired smile.

You returned a soft smile.

"When people meet strangers, they tell them a lot because they have the certainty that their ways will never meet again. You tell me everything, give me your package and I will take it with me when our ways part. That's all right. I wouldn't have done it any other way."

"It doesn't feel right to talk only about my past. Yours doesn't seem to have been a fairy tale either."

When he mentioned it, your face twisted into a grimace of pain. A heavy sigh made your chest tremble.

"My past is not as glorious as yours...", you sighed, suddenly so tired that your body felt like it was falling apart. "I didn't save a girl. Just ran from my problems."

"I didn't save Ellie just because I wanted to. Somehow I felt I owed it to Sarah then...", immediately biting his lip as her name left his mouth.

With newly awakened curiosity, you looked at him out of the corner of your eye. But from the expression on his face, you could tell that it pained him to remember her. Instead of rubbing salt into the wound, you tried the gentle way.

"Do you want to talk about her?", you asked.

With his lips pressed together he shook his head.

You nodded understandingly and forgot the question that was burning on your tongue.

For a moment it became silent again.

You could hear him breathing beside you, quick and tense.

His grip tightened around the steering wheel. He swallowed hard.

"She was my daughter...", he whispered suddenly, so softly you almost missed it. "She... was shot at the beginning of the outbreak... just like that..."

You could hear the pain in his voice. When you turned your head to look at him, you could see a glimmer of tears in his eyes.

"What does one answer to something like that?", you asked silently. "I'm sorry? I wish it had turned out differently?"

He shook his head, narrowed his eyes.

"It was years ago. She... won't come back."

"No. But it'll always hurt, won't it?"

"I... think so..."

"When... when my parents were murdered I thought the pain would kill me. But it didn't. Even though death would have been better in the end. Eventually the stinging in your chest will go away... your eyes won't cry anymore. Instead, there's this emptiness... the thought that nothing will ever make sense like it did before."

He never answer that.

Instead, Joel headed for the side of the road, stopped the car, and sighed heavily. With tired eyes, he let his forehead fall against the steering wheel. In that moment he looked as exhausted as a dying man and as old as time itself.

"I can't lose another daughter.", he gasped, on the verge of breaking. "Nor will I fail again as a father."

His words made your heart tighten. No words in this world would have expressed what you felt at that moment, no words would have given him comfort.

Instead of wasting your strength searching for empty promises, you reached out and wrapped your arms around his neck.

For a moment you gave him time, but when he pulled you close, you embraced him properly. Gently you let your fingers stroke through his short hair as the two of you held each other.

"I won't let that happen.", you whispered in his ear.

You did not fully realise it, but in that moment you made a decision.

Perhaps a fatal one.

As his strong arms wrapped around you, his warmth seeping into your body, you thought about being close to him more often.

He smelled harsh, of iron and blood, mixed with smoke. But somehow it did not bother you. Instead, it made your heart best faster.

For a moment, the two of you were trapped in this calm and comforting atmosphere.

"Joel?", you only dared to call his name once and in such a soft, tender voice that it surprised you yourself.

He raised his head that had been resting on yours for a while.

"Hm?", his lips were pressed to your vertex.

"My parents had to die because the Fireflies deemed it a necessary sacrifice.", you swallowed hard, tears were burning in your eyes at the thought. "And I ran away. I just... turned my back on them and left. I didn't even try to fight. I ran with a bunch of strangers. I know it's not the same but... you saved Ellie that day. And if you were as good of a father to Sarah as you are to her... I'm sure you won't have to blame yourself. You did want you could. You did so much more than I should have done back when I was in a similar situation. You won't fail. You never did."